I am the Phoenix

Ive been trying to write about my #140conf12 experience, and I will, but first I need to get something out there.

I miss my family.

My #140conf family.

Leaving New York has been a painful heart wrenching experience.

I'm sad that my life only has moments as life changing and inspiring as 140. I'm grieving the loss of support and love that I felt all week. I'm angry that I can't seem to connect dot A to dot B to make something amazing out of my life. That I have to come home to a life that involves counting quarters to buy milk for my baby girl. I can spend 4 days changing lives, inspiring people, standing in a city of light and love and singing my heart out. Hundreds of people were involved in my moment of musical heaven and now? Now?

I'm sitting in my government housing apartment full of crap wondering which bill gets paid this month.

And no, its not about money. Its about being capable of greatness and waiting in mediocrity. Its about not being able to give the most beautiful girl in the world the same experiences I'm having. Its about knowing I have the power to change lives through words and music and be shouting them out into the wind that just takes them and blows them away from me.

My sweet little girl deserves better than this. Dammit I deserve better than this.

I DESERVE MORE WORLD!

The post conference fallout is so painful. I'm still getting amazing messages from people inspired by me, people I've just met but fallen madly in love with and yet I can't shake this feeling. I want to wake up in the morning and be scooped up in hugs and kind words and giggles. I want to make people feel. I want to inspire every day. I want to change the world.

I don't want to drive by a dream, be so close, but never know if I'm going to make it there.

I want people to know it is ok to have a mental illness and you can succeed in life with one.

I want the world to see you don't need "traditional" beauty to BE someone.

Selfishly I want to be able to eat everyday without worrying. I want to know I can see friends without running out of gas. I want to not have to think about buying a treat and if its going to make it so I cant have a phone. I want to travel. I want a car that I can trust. I want a computer that works every time I turn it on. I want more.

FUCK!

I can change the worlds opinions about those with mental illness so why... why can't I make my own life better.

I know people are going to look at this and say "You just had a free trip to New York. Spoke and sang on a beautiful stage. You have a roof over your head. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Please trust me when I say I am in awe of how far I've come and all the blessings and people I have the privilege of calling friends. Every time the key goes in the door, the fork goes in my mouth, the phone vibrates... I thank the universe for having just one more day to enjoy it. But I am worth so much more than this. I will never stop fighting to be more than this. To be the woman people think I can be. To break the cycle.

The phoenix doesn't float on the surface of redemption... it rises from the ashes.

I am the Phoenix.