The Fear of Opportunity

So my last post I talked about the amazing opportunity that #140conf is going to be for me. I am vibrating with excitement, fear, amazement and nerves. Getting to see and talk to Jeff this week was even more uplifting. Knowing what is coming in the future settled my brain a bit. Plus Jeff radiates magic and I can't help but learn from him and be in awe when he is around.

Now here is my fear.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. For 8 months my life has been focused on 140 in NYC, now it's here and then what? What do I do next? This is supposed to be my big break but I don't know how to grab it. I don't know who to talk to, who to work with, who to grab by the arm and hold on to.

What do I do?

Like I've said, in a perfect world I would be singing. This would actually support my family and allow me to finance projects to help end the stigma of mental illness. But that's a perfect world. Right now I'm scared my life will never move beyond a minimum wage. That I won't be able to support my daughter like she deserves. That I won't be able to reach the people who need me to be their voice when they can't be. What if I have built this up so much in my head that I have made the pedestal too high.

The last few weeks my confidence has been super high. I know what I have to offer and I know that I can and will be an asset to this world. Right now though, I'm like a toddler. I see blocks, I see a tower, but I have no idea how to make those blocks into a tower. I am missing that crucial middle piece that tells me how to take the raw potential I have and turn it into something great.

How do I do it?

Do you know? Can you help me? What do I do at the starting line to get me to the finish?

I have seen miracles. I have worked hard. I am ready to be the person I dream of being. I just need to know how.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a whirl wind couple of weeks. HO-LY Shit. Up, down, up, down.

The Good:

The generosity of virtual strangers saved my home. 48 hours of support from twitter followers and I had the money I needed to pay off my landlord. I dont know how I'm ever going to thank those people enough. How do you thank people for miracles? I cried. It took me hours to process the fact that it happened. Ok, more than hours, days. I'm still in shock. My faith in humanity is being restored. Its an amazing feeling.

With my house saved and working my ass off on my house (along side some amazing friends), CAS is closing my file. I found out today. I'm thrilled. Less than 2 weeks and they're already closing the file. Hard work, therapy and honesty brought me so so far. I'm thrilled. My baby is going to be with me, where she belongs. I really have no idea how to thank the universe for sending me the people, the strength, the right situations to make all of this happen.

The Bad:

I've learned who my friends are. There were a few people that got their back up over my situation and how I chose to deal with it. However I wasn't going to leave people working on my behalf without putting some effort in myself. Was all of this my own fault? Yes. Is my baby with me? Yes. Do we have a home? Yes. Do I regret how any of this happened? Hell no. I needed a sign that life was worth being a part of, that people were good at the core, that I wasn't just treading water but never moving forward.

The Ugly:

I never realised how much jealousy and hatred sits just under the surface. Disguised as "tough love" or "reality" sometimes people just come across mean. We shouldn't be kicking people when they're down for any reason. No matter how much you know or don't know about a person, their struggles are as hard as the next persons. Am I perfect? No. Am I trying? Yes. If you don't like how I'm living my life, you don't need to be involved. No one forces friendship, friendship is the most amazing thing that allows us to choose our extended family. Bringing other people down is never necessary.


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This whole experience has changed the way I look at the world. I'm amazed by people and the world again. I faced my worst nightmare and felt less alone at that moment then I have in months. There is nothing that can't be accomplished with a little love and support.

You're So Vain...

... ok so maybe not since this post actually might be about you. I'm not actually going to tell you who this post is about Some of you might figure it out all on your own and good on ya, but this post is for me, not you so whatev y'all!

I'm a big believer that everyone needs someone to look up to. Someone who inspires you to be a better you every day. Not someone to compare yourself to but someone who can show you how to open the windows when the doors slam shut.

I like to think of that person as a Mental Mentor (little double meaning there, can you find it?). Its not someone you fawn over or demand from, just someone who when you need it you can look at them and their life and be inspired.

My Mental Mentor i've never met. I observed her from a far for a long time on "the twitter", I read things she wrote, I watched her interact, I actually silently thought I wasn't good enough to be her friend. She has a beautiful family, talent, poise, intelligence and humour. People seemed naturally drawn to her. She also was flawed, and beautifully so. Slightly self-deprecating and vulnerable showed me that perfection lies in the imperfect.

I remember the day she started following me on Twitter. I remember getting the notification email and just about falling out of my chair. It was like a celebrity suddenly was taking an interest. I was a little overwhelmed and suddenly a whole lot shy. I didn't want to post somethings in fear that I would be unfollowed. I know, how silly right? Yeah shut up like you've never done it. Luckily for me I am completely unable not to make an ass out of myself, and I throughly enjoy doing it, turned out she enjoyed it most of the time too.

I learned over time she too dealt with body image issues, made some serious mistakes growing up and still isn't always what people expect her to be. She swears and flails and goes against the norms. Shes also passionate and caring and a fierce fighter I wouldn't want to meet in a back alley debate (or behind a dumpster, Im fairly certain she'd kick my ass in a heartbeat. Well maybe not, but why take that risk?). She tries new things, cherishes old things and doesn't miss an opportunity to help other people.

I know what you're thinking, "Ok Jodi, once again you've rambled on and on this time about some fucking weird girl crush you seem to have (which, by the way, may earn you a restraining order and a talking to from some nice men in blue). Are you going to bring us to some kind of point or just keep gushing like a teeny bopper at a Bieber concert?"

So I bring you, My Point. You never know who you're going to inspire or why. You also never know who is going to inspire you. My Mental Mentor Im sure has no idea I think so highly of her and I don't want our dynamic to change so chances of me telling her are probably slim, (unless you know she reads this and figures it out... Umm HI! Ha, yeah... soooo sup? Me? Nothin... Im cool (For the love of god be cool Jodi) (Parenthesis inside parenthesis inside parenthesis? Did I just break the english language?)).

The people we look up to don't have to be rich or famous, they just have to be able to inspire us to be better then we were the day before.