Darkness

I wish I had answers.

I always do.

Truth is, I don't have a clue.

Chemical imbalance, illness, emotions.

They're all just words. You can find them all in a dictionary or on google. You can seek their definitions and be able to recite them word for word.

Unfortunately mental illness changes from person to person. There isn't one clear meaning or reaction. No matter what the internet, doctors and dictionaries say.

We all spiral differently.

There are shades of darkness.

Some of us fight the darkness with substances.

Some of us fight the darkness with self harm.

Some of us don't fight the darkness, but embrace it like an old friend.

If we hurt other people, we're hurting ourselves twice, three times, four times more.

I am still in my break down.

The start, the middle, the end, I don't know.

I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't.

Take that as you will.

My life is not my own, it belongs to a curly haired little girl who loves me more than I think anyone ever has.

I don't have choices of my own.

Right now my choices belong to my daughter and my illness.

They want very different things.

My illness tells me I don't care. My illness tells me sleep. My illness tells me everything and everyone can fuck off.

My daughter tells me she loves me. Tells me to play. Tells me to read. Tells me to live.

I will never have answers, I can only hope for solutions.

If it takes 18 hours of sleep a day to spend 6 with my Monkey, I accept that for the moment.

I feel safe in the darkness. Like a warm blanket on a cold night.

I don't know what will or is happening. I know I fight in my own way. You may not see it, you may not like it, you may not accept it but this is the control my illness has.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a whirl wind couple of weeks. HO-LY Shit. Up, down, up, down.

The Good:

The generosity of virtual strangers saved my home. 48 hours of support from twitter followers and I had the money I needed to pay off my landlord. I dont know how I'm ever going to thank those people enough. How do you thank people for miracles? I cried. It took me hours to process the fact that it happened. Ok, more than hours, days. I'm still in shock. My faith in humanity is being restored. Its an amazing feeling.

With my house saved and working my ass off on my house (along side some amazing friends), CAS is closing my file. I found out today. I'm thrilled. Less than 2 weeks and they're already closing the file. Hard work, therapy and honesty brought me so so far. I'm thrilled. My baby is going to be with me, where she belongs. I really have no idea how to thank the universe for sending me the people, the strength, the right situations to make all of this happen.

The Bad:

I've learned who my friends are. There were a few people that got their back up over my situation and how I chose to deal with it. However I wasn't going to leave people working on my behalf without putting some effort in myself. Was all of this my own fault? Yes. Is my baby with me? Yes. Do we have a home? Yes. Do I regret how any of this happened? Hell no. I needed a sign that life was worth being a part of, that people were good at the core, that I wasn't just treading water but never moving forward.

The Ugly:

I never realised how much jealousy and hatred sits just under the surface. Disguised as "tough love" or "reality" sometimes people just come across mean. We shouldn't be kicking people when they're down for any reason. No matter how much you know or don't know about a person, their struggles are as hard as the next persons. Am I perfect? No. Am I trying? Yes. If you don't like how I'm living my life, you don't need to be involved. No one forces friendship, friendship is the most amazing thing that allows us to choose our extended family. Bringing other people down is never necessary.


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This whole experience has changed the way I look at the world. I'm amazed by people and the world again. I faced my worst nightmare and felt less alone at that moment then I have in months. There is nothing that can't be accomplished with a little love and support.

A Letter From A Broken Heart

I want to preface this by saying this is not a bash or hate mail. This isn't begging and pleading. It's just my head space. Sometimes people, events, life impacts you hard and fast and there's no escaping your feelings and thoughts. Until you find yourself in a position you never know how you're going to react, and this... this is how I am reacting right now. Press play and read.

What did I do?!

What didn't I do?!

What is wrong with me?!

What the FUCK is wrong with me?!

I... I don't even know. Maybe if I had the words to express how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, I wouldn't feel so lost. So empty. So broken.

My heart was broken, I needed a friend, I needed to feel like I wasn't useless, worthless and unattractive. I needed something.

Suddenly there it was in front of me. 

Something amazing, beautiful and incredibly new. I felt like a princess. I felt important. I felt understood. I didn't feel like the freak I normally feel like. I don't even know how to explain it. All the fairy tale moments you picture in your head were happening. So fast I fell. Fast and hard. I was more myself then I ever had been before in front of another person. I was passionate, emotional, completely real. I felt normal. Normal... how I've craved normalcy in my life. 

It wasn't just about me. I had met someone I felt like I meshed with so well. Passion, dreams, emotions. Someone I wanted to watch grow and succeed. I wanted to do anything in my power to make them feel as amazing as they made me feel. 

I opened myself up completely. Things I had never told anyone else. Things I had never shown anyone else. I decided to throw away my habits formed by a history of broken trust and pain. I stood naked, completely vulnerable. We were like kids. Laughing, giggling, making plans like teenagers that had never known heartbreak. We were passionate about our lives, maybe too passionate. We were two sticks of dynamite in a shoebox, occasionally hit by a discarded match.  But we held fire extinguishers at the ready. 

... and then it was done.

I was so upset I was sick. In bed for days. I tried so hard. I wanted it so badly. I wanted you so badly.

I adored you.

Your passion.

Your intelligence. 

Your dreams.

You.

Maybe that was my downfall. 

I certainly didn't think you were perfect, but I thought you were amazing. I thought we were amazing.

So ridiculous that I have been so affected in such a short time. 

To feel so much pain.

To feel so broken.

Even so far as to question myself as a parent. A parent who listens to her baby ask when were going to see you. To play with her friend. To curl up in her first normal family moment and listen to stories. Did I hurt her? Did I make her sad? Did I just give her two more people to miss?


Watching you walk away, it felt like I lost a piece of my soul. The reaction was unexpected and debilitating. I don't know how not to feel with everything I have. My heart is fragile. My soul is sensitive. 

I feel so stupid. 

I feel so naive.

I feel so so broken.

"But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough"

                                          Somebody I Used To Know - Gotye