Darkness

I wish I had answers.

I always do.

Truth is, I don't have a clue.

Chemical imbalance, illness, emotions.

They're all just words. You can find them all in a dictionary or on google. You can seek their definitions and be able to recite them word for word.

Unfortunately mental illness changes from person to person. There isn't one clear meaning or reaction. No matter what the internet, doctors and dictionaries say.

We all spiral differently.

There are shades of darkness.

Some of us fight the darkness with substances.

Some of us fight the darkness with self harm.

Some of us don't fight the darkness, but embrace it like an old friend.

If we hurt other people, we're hurting ourselves twice, three times, four times more.

I am still in my break down.

The start, the middle, the end, I don't know.

I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't.

Take that as you will.

My life is not my own, it belongs to a curly haired little girl who loves me more than I think anyone ever has.

I don't have choices of my own.

Right now my choices belong to my daughter and my illness.

They want very different things.

My illness tells me I don't care. My illness tells me sleep. My illness tells me everything and everyone can fuck off.

My daughter tells me she loves me. Tells me to play. Tells me to read. Tells me to live.

I will never have answers, I can only hope for solutions.

If it takes 18 hours of sleep a day to spend 6 with my Monkey, I accept that for the moment.

I feel safe in the darkness. Like a warm blanket on a cold night.

I don't know what will or is happening. I know I fight in my own way. You may not see it, you may not like it, you may not accept it but this is the control my illness has.

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

I am.

I realized today I fear many things.

These fears have caused me to do things and not do other things that have made me miss out on a big chunk of what I think life is about, happiness.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words to describe this. I know, shocking and no I don't have a fever. Its just such an overwhelming feeling right now.

I'm used to being a fuck up. Or in more polite terms, I'm used to living at the short end of the stick. Being at the bottom is safe. You know whats going to happen. There is no chance of failure if you can't get down any farther.

I came home from therapy today with this giant epiphany. That I needed to stop fucking myself over, that I have so much I can do, that I need to stop focusing on the things that might happen and just go for it. As I'm blurting out this huge moment I had, my partner looks at me and says "Well you have been working at sabotaging this.".

OMFG He was right and I didn't even realise. Sabotage. Its what I do best. Relationships, finances, acceptance, success, I have in some way sabotaged all of them subconsciously. I have let my fear take my opportunities and find a way to destroy them right in front of me and I didn't even notice. I didn't just fear other peoples judgements or thoughts, I feared my own. Instead of facing those fears and saying "Hey! I'm willing to work past this" I would find the easiest way to escape the situation, whatever it may be.

For the simple fact that it's right in front of me, lets use my current relationship as an example.

3 weeks ago-ish my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. Sweat pants, chick flicks, bottom of the wine bottle devastated. I was surrounded luckily by some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. One of those friends was new, and god love him, he got to know broken down doll Jodi at the peak of sobbing snot season as his first real in depth look.

You know when you start checking your phone for messages you HOPE are there? Ever had those messages be there Every. Single. Time? Well there they were there. I convinced myself I was reading into that. "He's chatty, he knows I need a shoulder. He's humouring the heartbreak kid." - SABOTAGE

Several giggle filled coffees later, I get a vibe like some things up. So I poke the bear. "What's wrong? Something seems off. Everything ok?" - I'm not good at letting sleeping dogs lie. So finally he says, "I want to take you out, on a date.". Stutter, blush... DOUBT. BOOM I fly into "rebound" mode. People can smell the vulnerability from a mile away right? And all men interested in a girl who has just had her heart broken are only after one thing... I thought. My brain starts screaming "RUN! There is no way a person actually likes you right now Snoterella McRandomSob.". - SABOTAGE

Well praying on my vulnerability or not, I liked our time together and had a hollow ache that wasn't so painful when I was distracted so I agreed. Well to make what could be a long story short, what I thought he was probably interested in was not even close to the truth. I started watching his interactions with other people, (including his neighbour friend who "nonchalantly" wandered past his apartment window to try and get a glimpse of the girl he wouldn't shut up about). Listening to him talk about what he was passionate about. Asking questions. I was dissecting him. Trying to find that flaw, that moment that would tell me what I had already assumed, that he was looking to screw around and TADA there I was. - SABOTAGE

I didn't find the flaw. Now don't get me wrong, the man is in no way flawless. I don't have my rose coloured glasses of perfection on. He just isn't an asshole. If anything I would say I was kept at arms length physically because he knew I was hurting. He got that I was going to need my time and space, but that when I was ready he was here. Well fuck, now he's too perfect. I must have the rose coloured glasses on. I'm obviously seeing things that arn't there and ignoring things deliberately at this point. Yup, I'm crazy and so desperate to be appreciated and feel loved and not alone that I have now turned him into a walking, cooking Ken doll in my head. - SABOTAGE

SO MUCH SELF SABOTAGE!

Are there people out there that sniff out and use people who are at their worst? Yup

Is everyone one of those people? Nope

Do a lot of relationships that start during the "rebound" phase fail? Yup

Does every single one? Nope

Am I a "relationship hopper" going from one relationship, to another quickly? Not usually

Does it mean it can't happen AND end well? Nope

Does the "R" word scare the shit out of me? Yup

Does it need to? Nope

So as I'm sitting in therapy today dissecting and being neurotic about the boy and what I want my therapist asks me "So, what would happen if you told him you needed a few more weeks to grieve and heal?". Possibly the first thing I have said with complete surety about the whole thing fell out of my mouth - "He would say, call me when you're ready. Take the time you need."

Her reply? "So, where's the problem?"

Where's the problem.

Like a ton of bricks.

Where's the problem?

It all hit me in that moment. I'm so busy dissecting every aspect of my life that I create problems to sabotage myself. I am so scared of what might happen that I'm not letting anything happen. I'm not letting myself enjoy moments and opportunities. I have gotten so caught up in my own head that I'm not letting myself be happy.

Some things are too good to be true. There's no Nigerian prince who wants to give me his fortune. I didn't win an iPad being the 8943652 person on a website. Some things though deserve a chance to exist and create happiness.

So I have made a decision.

For today, I'm just going to be happy.

I'm not going to create issues where no issues exist.

I am going to take the energy I spent fearing the "what ifs" and use it to create "why nots".

Because... Why not?

Shit... I did it again

So after the fail of my last, like all relationships, I did what all well meaning girls do. I swore off men, seriously considered venturing back to the other team and figured (and whined) that I would be alone forever and ever and ever and well... yeah...

Rolling on... September 9th, 2011 I met someone who has since become one of my best friends. We spent many nights sitting in my car until the sun came up talking life.

Each one of those nights I got butterflies.

Each one of those nights I denied and suppressed and avoided the butterflies.

Each morning that followed my friends got messages about my butterflies.

Shit... It was happening.

Problem being, I couldn't read him.

Not a damn bit.

So I assembled a crack team of "subtle" investigative friends to try and get me some intel. Yes, I had a team. My team tried, some less subtly then others (I believe some advice I received was "Just grab his balls, then you'll know how he feels"). Even his mother tried ("That girl likes you" - Mother "Oh yeah" - Him).

Most people would see this as complete disinterest on his part. Maybe I saw past it, maybe I'm not so bright, maybe I knew he was worth sticking around for, either way... I stuck around. I was having too much fun in the moment. I was finally thinking again. I was feeling again.

Unfortunately part of what I was feeling at the time was also back pain. It was not a good time for my physical body. Seems though, it was all part of the plan when my back seized up as I was getting ready to leave from another late night chatter session.

I insisted I was fine.

He insisted I wasn't.

He was right, I spent the night, he held me, I forgot the pain.

I probably moved from crush to falling in love that night.

That was November 27th, 2011.

Two months later I'm still feeling. I'm still thinking. I still get butterflies.

Every single day I get butterflies.

Why am I telling you all this?

Sometimes we don't realise our own worth. We subconsciously push people away. We are so busy waiting for the other shoe to drop that we miss the amazing moments happening in the meantime.

I came to a realisation recently that I was so worried about losing what I had that I wasn't enjoying it either. It was an awful realisation. This amazing man loves me and instead of living in the fantastic moment of butterflies and security, I was worrying what I was going to do wrong, what I needed to hide, what was going to end it all.

What an awful way to love. It wasn't fair to me and it certainly wasn't fair to him. I said to him one day "I'm just waiting for you to realize how much better you can do then me" and he replied with "That seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy.". He was right. If I'm waiting for the end, the end will come.

I had to make a choice.

Do I love him enough to be myself? To wake up knowing that today is not the end, unless I make it the end. To not expect the worst but to live in the moments bad or good no matter what they are.

I love him more then that.

For the first time, I love some one more then I am damaged, or ashamed, or scared.

And he loves me back.

I am a very fortunate woman, and every day the butterflies remind me.

Nerves of Jello!

Ever wanted to pee yourself, throw up, cry and laugh hysterically all at the same time?

Yeah... I drowned it all with wine and cake.

Today I applied for a job I've been dreaming about. A job I know I could be happy in. A job that would make me feel like I was making a difference and doing something I could be proud to tell people I do. A job that would show who I am and what I truly am capable of.

There are some days, despite knowing better, I still think of myself as just that drop-out, pregnant life failure I used to be. The person who didn't love myself, never mind care about myself at all. The person who hadn't scratched, clawed and fought her way out of the damn gutter.

I am not that girl any more.

I am a strong woman now. I have worked hard to become more then who she was.

Applying for this job today was exhilarating and proved to me I have grown. Before, I would never have applied, I wouldn't have thought I was good enough. Over the past year I have had so many people, events and opportunities that have lifted me up and taken my previous ego to a place of confidence. I've moved beyond the in your face "Im fucking awesome. Im a big girl and a big personality and you will love me." to being able to be myself and quietly exuding confidence and self worth. Well maybe not quietly volume wise lol.

In this moment I am so proud of myself and humbled by the life that has brought me here. I have survived and thrived for a reason, a damn good one I'm sure. The feeling I am having right now is nothing short of amazing. Applying for this job has lifted my spirit. Whether I get the job or not, I have accomplished something great in my life. I am thankful just to have had the opportunity to try.

Good things are coming for me, I feel it in the air.