Darkness

I wish I had answers.

I always do.

Truth is, I don't have a clue.

Chemical imbalance, illness, emotions.

They're all just words. You can find them all in a dictionary or on google. You can seek their definitions and be able to recite them word for word.

Unfortunately mental illness changes from person to person. There isn't one clear meaning or reaction. No matter what the internet, doctors and dictionaries say.

We all spiral differently.

There are shades of darkness.

Some of us fight the darkness with substances.

Some of us fight the darkness with self harm.

Some of us don't fight the darkness, but embrace it like an old friend.

If we hurt other people, we're hurting ourselves twice, three times, four times more.

I am still in my break down.

The start, the middle, the end, I don't know.

I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't.

Take that as you will.

My life is not my own, it belongs to a curly haired little girl who loves me more than I think anyone ever has.

I don't have choices of my own.

Right now my choices belong to my daughter and my illness.

They want very different things.

My illness tells me I don't care. My illness tells me sleep. My illness tells me everything and everyone can fuck off.

My daughter tells me she loves me. Tells me to play. Tells me to read. Tells me to live.

I will never have answers, I can only hope for solutions.

If it takes 18 hours of sleep a day to spend 6 with my Monkey, I accept that for the moment.

I feel safe in the darkness. Like a warm blanket on a cold night.

I don't know what will or is happening. I know I fight in my own way. You may not see it, you may not like it, you may not accept it but this is the control my illness has.

Dickens and Dickheads

I think Dickens may have put the last little section of my life best “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” (And yes, I know Dickens!). Life has had more ups and downs lately then the elevators at the CN Tower. Just when I think life is falling apart it gives me something amazing to be thankful for.

So, lets just quickly go over the bullshit so we can move on to happier topics shall we? My brother has serious mental health issues and has gone off the deep end once again. (I wont get into details but lets just say it makes life both difficult and nerve wracking.) I was “scaled back” at work. My van was costing me more in gas then my rent. Meeting the Mans son did NOT go well at all. And honestly? I've just felt like crap over all. I don't deal with stress well (possibly the biggest understatement ever). Oh and then there was that whole “Rapture” deal that despite my ability to process logically still had me a little un-nerved.

Now, fuck all that. On to the good, the better, the best. There are a few of them.

1. My mother. My mother who makes me crazy, and has the ability to play my brain like a fiddle. There are times where I seriously could and probably should walk away, but there are other times, like this month, where she has been my saviour. Fixing up the van for me so I could afford to keep it. Its amazing what a good tune up will do! She may make me mental cuckoo often, but shes still my mum and takes good care of me.

2. The Monkey is TALKING! Ok so speech is still hard to understand, and I might be cursing myself for wanting her to talk but its awesome. After so long of listening to people talk about their kids talking early and making sentences and yadda yadda yadda I was honestly a little more then worried she wouldn't catch up. But theres a light at the end of the tunnel folks!

3. The Man. The unbelievable, amazing, sweet, kind, caring, adorable Man. For a month he's been keeping me sane and smiling. He's already seen so much of the insanity that is my life and is still here, voluntarily. There is so much beauty in him, it's a bit stunning. One of those genuinely good people in the world. Even the times he's made me crazy are good times. Just when I think “Ok, I need a break, some alone time”, the minute he leaves I get a bit lonely. It already feels so much longer then a month. In fact I cant actually believe it has only been a month that we've been together. Im hooked and Im ok with it.

Now my mother just called me and basically made me want to rip out my hair strand by strand however Im leaving her in the good things part and Im going to try and forget that, until tomorrow, when Im sure she'll do it again. SIGH – Parents. Hard to believe one day ill be that cause of hair pulling stress.

I Didn't Think I Could Ever Be This Happy

To most people those would totally be words to celebrate. No matter who said them, a friend, a loved one, or saying them yourself. I'm the crazy woman who feels like I had my heart ripped out and stomped on by those words.

10 years ago I met a wonderful man, we fell in love, we got married... Awwwwwwwwww. We had a happy life. 2 dogs, good families, great friends. Then we grew up, grew apart and the inevitable happened, we split up. 5 years together built a strong friendship, but our romantic relationship didn't make it.

We split without major incident. No kids, no property, still just young stupid kids ourselves. I moved out, moved away, started again. Slowly my ex and I were able to get back our friendship. Though obviously not the same as before we were still close. I trusted him completely. Still told him my secrets and fears and considered him one of my best friends.

So why the fuck am I rambling on about the past? I just met a wonderful new guy, I have a beautiful baby girl, I finally may have figured out what I want to do with my life and yet suddenly I feel heartbroken. I feel lost. I feel like I failed, not just at marriage but as a wife. The longest most meaningful relationship I ever had, with the only person I can really say I ever loved now doesn't think he "could ever be this happy".

I seem to remember some amazingly happy times. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL... We were happy. How did I fail so badly? How is it possible to be more happy then the day you got married? The day you feel in love? The day you got engaged?

Maybe the better question is why does this hurt so fucking bad?! We broke up 5 years ago, i've moved on, I hold no romantic feelings any more, but this one tiny little statement is hurting me almost as badly as the moment I realised we wernt going to make it. It ripped open an old wound and poured salt in it. "I didn't think I could ever be this happy". Didn't I make you happy?! What did I do? What didn't I do?! What could I have done?

One simple sentence has absolutely shattered me. Made me question everything about myself. Made me wonder if I'm capable of making someone happy enough to stick around. Made me wonder if I even know what happy is or if I've managed to fool myself all these years. I don't want to be the person someone settles for but is never happy with. I want the fairy tale ending, not the secondary back up character ending.

If I can't make the man who married me happy, how am I supposed to make anyone happy?