Darkness

I wish I had answers.

I always do.

Truth is, I don't have a clue.

Chemical imbalance, illness, emotions.

They're all just words. You can find them all in a dictionary or on google. You can seek their definitions and be able to recite them word for word.

Unfortunately mental illness changes from person to person. There isn't one clear meaning or reaction. No matter what the internet, doctors and dictionaries say.

We all spiral differently.

There are shades of darkness.

Some of us fight the darkness with substances.

Some of us fight the darkness with self harm.

Some of us don't fight the darkness, but embrace it like an old friend.

If we hurt other people, we're hurting ourselves twice, three times, four times more.

I am still in my break down.

The start, the middle, the end, I don't know.

I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't.

Take that as you will.

My life is not my own, it belongs to a curly haired little girl who loves me more than I think anyone ever has.

I don't have choices of my own.

Right now my choices belong to my daughter and my illness.

They want very different things.

My illness tells me I don't care. My illness tells me sleep. My illness tells me everything and everyone can fuck off.

My daughter tells me she loves me. Tells me to play. Tells me to read. Tells me to live.

I will never have answers, I can only hope for solutions.

If it takes 18 hours of sleep a day to spend 6 with my Monkey, I accept that for the moment.

I feel safe in the darkness. Like a warm blanket on a cold night.

I don't know what will or is happening. I know I fight in my own way. You may not see it, you may not like it, you may not accept it but this is the control my illness has.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a whirl wind couple of weeks. HO-LY Shit. Up, down, up, down.

The Good:

The generosity of virtual strangers saved my home. 48 hours of support from twitter followers and I had the money I needed to pay off my landlord. I dont know how I'm ever going to thank those people enough. How do you thank people for miracles? I cried. It took me hours to process the fact that it happened. Ok, more than hours, days. I'm still in shock. My faith in humanity is being restored. Its an amazing feeling.

With my house saved and working my ass off on my house (along side some amazing friends), CAS is closing my file. I found out today. I'm thrilled. Less than 2 weeks and they're already closing the file. Hard work, therapy and honesty brought me so so far. I'm thrilled. My baby is going to be with me, where she belongs. I really have no idea how to thank the universe for sending me the people, the strength, the right situations to make all of this happen.

The Bad:

I've learned who my friends are. There were a few people that got their back up over my situation and how I chose to deal with it. However I wasn't going to leave people working on my behalf without putting some effort in myself. Was all of this my own fault? Yes. Is my baby with me? Yes. Do we have a home? Yes. Do I regret how any of this happened? Hell no. I needed a sign that life was worth being a part of, that people were good at the core, that I wasn't just treading water but never moving forward.

The Ugly:

I never realised how much jealousy and hatred sits just under the surface. Disguised as "tough love" or "reality" sometimes people just come across mean. We shouldn't be kicking people when they're down for any reason. No matter how much you know or don't know about a person, their struggles are as hard as the next persons. Am I perfect? No. Am I trying? Yes. If you don't like how I'm living my life, you don't need to be involved. No one forces friendship, friendship is the most amazing thing that allows us to choose our extended family. Bringing other people down is never necessary.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This whole experience has changed the way I look at the world. I'm amazed by people and the world again. I faced my worst nightmare and felt less alone at that moment then I have in months. There is nothing that can't be accomplished with a little love and support.

The Fight

So I screwed up... Going to make a long story short but here it is...

Awhile back there was a paperwork kerfuffle with my housing. Could have been me, could have been them, doesn't matter now, but it caused me to lose my subsidy for 3 months. This upped my rent to 7x more then I normally pay. Obviously I didn't have that kind of money.

We went to the housing tribunal and I managed to make arrangements to make up the back rent and get my subsidy back. However it was not retroactive so I still owed $2000+ to be paid back in monthly payments.

Last month I missed my payment. Things were hectic, my anxiety was insane and I didn't have it by the time I remembered it.

My landlord filed to have me evicted.

Successfully.

Unless I came up with the full back rent by first thing Friday morning. 3 days to come up with $1900 or the sheriff is at my door.

On top of that, the landlord called CAS and told them I was being evicted and not a safe parent. After speaking to CAS and having them in my home, my parenting is not in question however the looming eviction still makes it a possibility that they will take my Monkey from me.

My beautiful, sweet Monkey.

I am fighting. Calls are being made and I'm working my ass off to get this fixed.

This is my fault. I don't blame anyone else. I fucked up. Now I have to fix it.

I hit twitter and cried and fell apart. Realizing I needed help people joined together and are trying to help me. It took a lot from me to admit I needed help. I want to help people, not have people help me. That's in my blood, it's hard to become the helpee when you're the helper. I'm still working through the emotions of it all.

I'm scared.

Absolutely terrified. Being homeless again would be awful but losing my baby would end me. She is everything to me.

So I need good vibes right now. All the positive thoughts and love you can muster. A few of my friends have started a grassroots campaign via twitter to raise the money I need. I don't even know how I'm going to thank them. I would be so lost without them.

If you can/want to help, people are sending e-transfers to pillowmonkey@gmail.com because it's the fastest way to transfer money.

Donations are great, I appreciate them so much but your love is just as if not more important. You all read my blog and hold my hand through my ups and downs. My desperate attempts to keep my head in one piece. I can't even fathom my life without this space of healing and love. Even when I'm at my lowest I know I'm safe in this space. I thank you from the bottom of everything I have.

Now... Back to the fight.

**Update** I am actually almost half way to what I need. I am stunned. I will never be able to thank anyone enough.