The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a whirl wind couple of weeks. HO-LY Shit. Up, down, up, down.

The Good:

The generosity of virtual strangers saved my home. 48 hours of support from twitter followers and I had the money I needed to pay off my landlord. I dont know how I'm ever going to thank those people enough. How do you thank people for miracles? I cried. It took me hours to process the fact that it happened. Ok, more than hours, days. I'm still in shock. My faith in humanity is being restored. Its an amazing feeling.

With my house saved and working my ass off on my house (along side some amazing friends), CAS is closing my file. I found out today. I'm thrilled. Less than 2 weeks and they're already closing the file. Hard work, therapy and honesty brought me so so far. I'm thrilled. My baby is going to be with me, where she belongs. I really have no idea how to thank the universe for sending me the people, the strength, the right situations to make all of this happen.

The Bad:

I've learned who my friends are. There were a few people that got their back up over my situation and how I chose to deal with it. However I wasn't going to leave people working on my behalf without putting some effort in myself. Was all of this my own fault? Yes. Is my baby with me? Yes. Do we have a home? Yes. Do I regret how any of this happened? Hell no. I needed a sign that life was worth being a part of, that people were good at the core, that I wasn't just treading water but never moving forward.

The Ugly:

I never realised how much jealousy and hatred sits just under the surface. Disguised as "tough love" or "reality" sometimes people just come across mean. We shouldn't be kicking people when they're down for any reason. No matter how much you know or don't know about a person, their struggles are as hard as the next persons. Am I perfect? No. Am I trying? Yes. If you don't like how I'm living my life, you don't need to be involved. No one forces friendship, friendship is the most amazing thing that allows us to choose our extended family. Bringing other people down is never necessary.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This whole experience has changed the way I look at the world. I'm amazed by people and the world again. I faced my worst nightmare and felt less alone at that moment then I have in months. There is nothing that can't be accomplished with a little love and support.

Rebutting My Own Life

I don't usually rebut my own posts, but after some emails I have decided to clear up a few things about my life and the system.

- My daughter does not want or need for anything. She is never without food or clothing or a roof over her head. I would sell everything I owned and body parts to make sure this didn't change.

- I have been very busy and out a lot lately. My daughters new found attachment to me has more to do with being at daycare full time then me being out after shes already gone to bed. The few times I have been away multiple nights, she has been with family who love her and whom she loves.

- When I say "If I stay home I will die" this isn't me exaggerating to make a point. I have a severe anxiety disorder that if I allowed myself to stay home I wouldn't leave. My agoraphobia would kick back in and spiral me into a massive depressive episode that would no doubt end badly.

- The amount of money I spend going out in a a week is probably much much less then people think. I am lucky enough to have wonderful friends and a good nose for coupons.

- My monthly bills are 80% based on income. I have been blessed enough to have geared to income housing, different subsidies and discounts. This is wonderful however its also a curse. Currently I can scrape by on my $1000 a month income. If I were to get a job, the ones I would qualify for would be at minimum wage or just above. This would raise my income. A raise in my income would also mean a raise in my bills and cost of living. It would actually leave me worse off then I am now, and not with my Monkey as much as I am now, and I would be unhappy - All The Time.

- My #1 priority in my life is my Daughter. Beyond her physical needs, I am desperate to show her that the world is a wonderful place with amazing people. That dreams come true and good things happen to good people.

- I appreciate all the love and encouragement I get. The wishes and love and support. I also appreciate the realism. The contrary thoughts and opinions. They make me re-evaluate my thought patterns, often pushing me in new directions or past the point of where I thought I could go.

- I have a mental disorder. I have multiple mental disorders actually. I deal daily. I push through daily. I have some days that are god awful and I question everything I have done in my lif4e and wonder if the space I occupy could be better used by someone else. It happens. I will tweet, facebook, blog about it. This isnt going to change.

I am more then willing to answer any questions about my life. I don't live in the shadows. I applaud those willing to step up and put their thoughts out that might be against the grain of the popular opinion, I am one of those people. However if you're going to contact me anonymously and bash me, please be aware that next time I will post your email. I think the world should know your opinion. If you have the balls to be an asshole, please do so in public, I'd hate to be the only one to know of your unique "gift".

An Open Letter To Erica Ehm...

Our eyes met, as our body's were smashed together by the crowd. "Excuse me" I said, "Hey! HEY You!" you replied. I looked at you, knowing who you were, but not processing fast enough (as often happens in a large crowd). I smiled, said "Hi!" and continued through the crowd.

Then it happened.

I realized what just occurred.

HOLY FUCK ERICA EHM KNEW WHO I WAS AND I SMILED AND WALKED AWAY!

Yes, with my usual impeccable timing, I ran into (literally) the woman who I had JUST applied for a job (I really really want *wink wink nudge nudge*) with and who I have admired from afar for a long long time, and I smiled and wandered away.

*Head Desky*

Erica! I swear I know who you are! Founder of the YummyMummyClub.ca, a pioneering VJ from the days when Much Music played actual music, Mom of 2, writer, speaker, Libra... wait why do I know THAT? Moving right along...

Let this be a lesson to you all. You never know who you will run into in a crowd, literally or figuratively. Always have a smile for everyone... EVERYONE! Oh and if you're heading to a meet up for a conference you're attending in your field and you just applied for a job, maybe look into who is going to be at the event. I think it's the Boy Scouts motto that best fits here, "Always Be Prepared".