Rebutting My Own Life

I don't usually rebut my own posts, but after some emails I have decided to clear up a few things about my life and the system.

- My daughter does not want or need for anything. She is never without food or clothing or a roof over her head. I would sell everything I owned and body parts to make sure this didn't change.

- I have been very busy and out a lot lately. My daughters new found attachment to me has more to do with being at daycare full time then me being out after shes already gone to bed. The few times I have been away multiple nights, she has been with family who love her and whom she loves.

- When I say "If I stay home I will die" this isn't me exaggerating to make a point. I have a severe anxiety disorder that if I allowed myself to stay home I wouldn't leave. My agoraphobia would kick back in and spiral me into a massive depressive episode that would no doubt end badly.

- The amount of money I spend going out in a a week is probably much much less then people think. I am lucky enough to have wonderful friends and a good nose for coupons.

- My monthly bills are 80% based on income. I have been blessed enough to have geared to income housing, different subsidies and discounts. This is wonderful however its also a curse. Currently I can scrape by on my $1000 a month income. If I were to get a job, the ones I would qualify for would be at minimum wage or just above. This would raise my income. A raise in my income would also mean a raise in my bills and cost of living. It would actually leave me worse off then I am now, and not with my Monkey as much as I am now, and I would be unhappy - All The Time.

- My #1 priority in my life is my Daughter. Beyond her physical needs, I am desperate to show her that the world is a wonderful place with amazing people. That dreams come true and good things happen to good people.

- I appreciate all the love and encouragement I get. The wishes and love and support. I also appreciate the realism. The contrary thoughts and opinions. They make me re-evaluate my thought patterns, often pushing me in new directions or past the point of where I thought I could go.

- I have a mental disorder. I have multiple mental disorders actually. I deal daily. I push through daily. I have some days that are god awful and I question everything I have done in my lif4e and wonder if the space I occupy could be better used by someone else. It happens. I will tweet, facebook, blog about it. This isnt going to change.

I am more then willing to answer any questions about my life. I don't live in the shadows. I applaud those willing to step up and put their thoughts out that might be against the grain of the popular opinion, I am one of those people. However if you're going to contact me anonymously and bash me, please be aware that next time I will post your email. I think the world should know your opinion. If you have the balls to be an asshole, please do so in public, I'd hate to be the only one to know of your unique "gift".

Falling Apart

*Sigh*

I have spent so much time thinking the past week that I think I've made up for not having graduated high school. I wish this was a happy go lucky post about the joy I got from Blissdom, and that will come, I promise. This is just more important right now.

This is the post wear I'm going to put my soul on the line. The post where I'm not going to hide what I'm going through. The post where I will potentially alienate people. Fuck.

Let's start at the beginning. I am a fraud a huge fraud. I spend my days making people smile and helping people, I come home and cry. I come home and fall apart. I am horribly horribly depressed, fairly heavily medicated and the exact opposite of what most people see.

I give away money every day, I fund raise and fight for people who can't fight for themselves. I wake up every morning not knowing if my lights will turn on or if my phone is still working. It's so ridiculous, its laughable. Laughable if I wasn't so busy bawling my face off. I sit in my car every day when I get home and cry. I avoid going into my home as long as possible. my home is the reality of the sadness of my life.

So many people spend time telling me I have such a light and such potential and they see such great things for me. I have no idea how to get those great things. People are trying to help me but I don't comprehend shit. I don't get it. And everything takes so much time.

I broke down at Blissdom so many times. In the Social Media for Social Good panel I asked how I can live my dream, not sacrifice my happiness and still feed my family and cried. I curled up in my bed and questioned what I was thinking spending money on a conference when I should have been paying bills. I listened to panels talk, knowing many of these people believed in me and wanted the best for me but I honestly had no idea why.

No. Idea. Why.

I'm just a poor girl with a big fucking dream and nothing else. Nothing. Else.

I've done everything people say to do. I try hard, I work hard, I take opportunities, I ask for help and yet I'm not moving forward. I can't keep doing this. It's killing me. I'm falling apart. Losing my mind. Ready to give up completely.

I've gotten so behind that I don't know where to start. I try to function and fail. I only feel human when Im surrounded by people, yet ironically have severe social anxiety issues. People like to inject themselves into my life and make comments about my going out when I "claim" broke. I go out because if I stayed home I would die. My soul would die. I need to be inspired and feel the light of other people in order to even bother making myself get out of bed in the morning.

I need a miracle that isn't coming.

I would rather be happy and poor then have money and hate myself. Not following my dreams feels like slow suicide. Not being able to pay my bills feels like slow suicide. My whole life feels like slow suicide right now. A disease with no cure and no matter which path I take the end result is the same.

Dickens and Dickheads

I think Dickens may have put the last little section of my life best “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” (And yes, I know Dickens!). Life has had more ups and downs lately then the elevators at the CN Tower. Just when I think life is falling apart it gives me something amazing to be thankful for.

So, lets just quickly go over the bullshit so we can move on to happier topics shall we? My brother has serious mental health issues and has gone off the deep end once again. (I wont get into details but lets just say it makes life both difficult and nerve wracking.) I was “scaled back” at work. My van was costing me more in gas then my rent. Meeting the Mans son did NOT go well at all. And honestly? I've just felt like crap over all. I don't deal with stress well (possibly the biggest understatement ever). Oh and then there was that whole “Rapture” deal that despite my ability to process logically still had me a little un-nerved.

Now, fuck all that. On to the good, the better, the best. There are a few of them.

1. My mother. My mother who makes me crazy, and has the ability to play my brain like a fiddle. There are times where I seriously could and probably should walk away, but there are other times, like this month, where she has been my saviour. Fixing up the van for me so I could afford to keep it. Its amazing what a good tune up will do! She may make me mental cuckoo often, but shes still my mum and takes good care of me.

2. The Monkey is TALKING! Ok so speech is still hard to understand, and I might be cursing myself for wanting her to talk but its awesome. After so long of listening to people talk about their kids talking early and making sentences and yadda yadda yadda I was honestly a little more then worried she wouldn't catch up. But theres a light at the end of the tunnel folks!

3. The Man. The unbelievable, amazing, sweet, kind, caring, adorable Man. For a month he's been keeping me sane and smiling. He's already seen so much of the insanity that is my life and is still here, voluntarily. There is so much beauty in him, it's a bit stunning. One of those genuinely good people in the world. Even the times he's made me crazy are good times. Just when I think “Ok, I need a break, some alone time”, the minute he leaves I get a bit lonely. It already feels so much longer then a month. In fact I cant actually believe it has only been a month that we've been together. Im hooked and Im ok with it.

Now my mother just called me and basically made me want to rip out my hair strand by strand however Im leaving her in the good things part and Im going to try and forget that, until tomorrow, when Im sure she'll do it again. SIGH – Parents. Hard to believe one day ill be that cause of hair pulling stress.