Sometimes I Pray

Christmas is hard for me. Really hard. Both of my grandparents passed away within roughly a week of Christmas, a friend passed away, I've been homeless, alone, sick, scared and tired. Don't get me wrong, I've also had wonderful Christmases that I cherish but it doesn't make the holidays less difficult.

Lately I've had some major issues with my back. Not to get into details but I've been in lots of pain and terrified. This is just adding to the pile of holiday season downers for me. I'm living on Percocet and and coffee trying to keep it together. It's not going great but it's not completely debilitating yet either so I'm trying to keep my head up.

My plan today had been to hit some black Friday sales for me. I don't buy myself much and I'm in desperate need of boots and jeans (since I just ripped the only ones that were decent, fuck). I also wanted to look into something just for my new phone. So I got out the flyers and started the sift. Then I realized something. With the sales - I could easily buy a bunch of toys for low income kids.

Being homeless at Christmas sucked, being poor at Christmas sucks. Not because it's about gifts, but because it loses some magic when you feel like you're letting down your kid. I feel like this a lot, not just at Christmas but Christmas is worse. Little people don't understand being poor. They understand that every store has something shiny they want to look at. They understand that Santa loves them and brings them presents. They understand that something special happens on December 25th that they can't explain.

Kids with nothing don't understand why Santa doesn't visit them. They wish harder and harder but it doesn't change anything.

On December 25th sometimes nothing happens.

So today I'm going to skip the boots and jeans, forgo my personal toy, and hit the Black Friday sales for some donation toys. It's the right thing for me to do. It's not right for everyone and I'm not saying you should run out and drop your grocery money on toys, but I am asking that if you can, grab an extra Barbie, extra book or extra Beyblade and remind a kid that wishes come true if you believe they will and someone believes in you.

People have been so generous with me personally. My baby has never known not having a Christmas because people have been so kind and giving. I pray sometimes that I will be able to be that person to other families who need help one day. Until then I do what I can, and try and keep paying my blessings in life forward. Will I wear running shoes in the snow for awhile? Yup, but it won't kill me. An extra 2 weeks in runners means a real Christmas gift for some little person and that is the best decision I can make.