Hurricane of Anxiety

With Hurricane Sandy almost upon us in Ontario I... am freaking the hell out. Ahh the joys of anxiety. Nothing is quite as much fun as irrational thinking brought on by current events.

Despite the fact that I'm still cracking jokes and sitting calmly on my couch (Not boarding over windows and high tailing it to somewhere I think is "safe"), my stomach is turning and I'm fighting back tears. This is why I don't watch the news, read papers, and selectively read posts on the internet. I am not a person who deals well with things out of my control, I really don't deal well with severe weather.

I'm horribly worried about my friends in the direct line of Hurricane Sandy. I'm horribly worried about my daughter and if I should be taking her to school tomorrow. I'm horribly worried about my mum who lives in a modular home in the country. I'm just horribly worried. Horribly, horribly worried.

My stomach is absolutely in knots. I'm not panicking. I'm not freaking out. I'm just watching TV, not the news, just some true crime show I ran across. I am however watching twitter and facebook and my friends updates.

Every part of me wants to curl up with my baby, where I know exactly where she is and what shes doing at every moment. I want to make my mum come to my house where I can keep her safe, or at least keeps us together. I want to gather supplies and turn my windowless bathroom into a bunker and hide out until the storm is over.

I know I'm thinking irrationally. I know that my home is built soundly and we're almost guaranteed our safety here. I know my friends are all taking proper precautions to ensure their safety. It doesn't matter. My brain won't shut off. I'm worried. Terribly terribly worried. Completely unable to rationalize the situation.

For the first time in months I am seriously contemplating taking one of my "panic pills" aka lorazapam so I can sleep tonight.

Can I just say... I. Fucking. Hate. My. Anxiety. Disorder.



I wish I had answers.

I always do.

Truth is, I don't have a clue.

Chemical imbalance, illness, emotions.

They're all just words. You can find them all in a dictionary or on google. You can seek their definitions and be able to recite them word for word.

Unfortunately mental illness changes from person to person. There isn't one clear meaning or reaction. No matter what the internet, doctors and dictionaries say.

We all spiral differently.

There are shades of darkness.

Some of us fight the darkness with substances.

Some of us fight the darkness with self harm.

Some of us don't fight the darkness, but embrace it like an old friend.

If we hurt other people, we're hurting ourselves twice, three times, four times more.

I am still in my break down.

The start, the middle, the end, I don't know.

I still wake up every morning wishing I hadn't.

Take that as you will.

My life is not my own, it belongs to a curly haired little girl who loves me more than I think anyone ever has.

I don't have choices of my own.

Right now my choices belong to my daughter and my illness.

They want very different things.

My illness tells me I don't care. My illness tells me sleep. My illness tells me everything and everyone can fuck off.

My daughter tells me she loves me. Tells me to play. Tells me to read. Tells me to live.

I will never have answers, I can only hope for solutions.

If it takes 18 hours of sleep a day to spend 6 with my Monkey, I accept that for the moment.

I feel safe in the darkness. Like a warm blanket on a cold night.

I don't know what will or is happening. I know I fight in my own way. You may not see it, you may not like it, you may not accept it but this is the control my illness has.


The Clock Strikes Midnight

Seems like such a short time ago I gave myself a year, a year to do what I felt was my calling and make something of myself.

I dreamt of stages, music, enlightenment, education, awareness and changing the world. I dreamt of never eating ramen noodles as a meal, buying new mattresses and a back yard for my daughter. I dreamt of bills that were paid, cars that ran and a mind that was happy and focused.

That was a year ago.

This year has been full of indescribable things. I flew alone to NYC. I made amazing friends. I saw great loves come together, I saw great loves fall apart. I had my heart broken. I sang on stage to an audience in New York City. I had blue hair. I spoke candidly about my life with mental illness. I sent my daughter to kindergarten. I saw the best of humanity. I saw the worst of humanity. I learned that sometimes words are useless but other times they will save lives. I've had 3 cars. I was hurt by people I thought would never hurt me. I hurt people I'm sure. I co-orchestrated a fully sponsored Christmas for a shelter. I gave away hundreds of dollars. I learned, a lot. I laughed. I cried. I yelled. I smiled. I hugged, a lot.

In a little over 11 hours I turn 29.

My chariot returns to its former pumpkin glory. My gown to rags. My horses to mice.

There's no Prince Charming though. No one to find my glass slipper. No one will tell me I don't belong in the pumpkin world, that I have a castle waiting.

It's time to face the truth. Social media does a wonderful job of masking reality. Of telling you how special you are. How much potential you have. How amazing your life will be if you just put some work in to it and believe.

Like someone sprinkled a fine mist of Disney dust on everything. Bad things will happen but, if you...

Love with all your heart
Believe with all your soul
Work will all your might

... everything will end, Happily Ever After.

Truth be told, some of us arn't destined for a Disney ending. We've made too many mistakes. Missed too many opportunities. Just arn't bright enough, to make something wonderful happen in our lives. We must come to terms with our averageness. It's not a bad thing, it's just reality.

Not everyone can be great, or we wouldn't know the ones who are.

Thank you to those who took this amazing journey with me the past year. I will never forget the things I've learned, experienced or felt. It's all because of each and every one of you I got this far.

And with that I'm off to find something to replace this glass slippers. Their time is nearly up.

Bibbity Boppidy Boo