With Hurricane Sandy almost upon us in Ontario I... am freaking the hell out. Ahh the joys of anxiety. Nothing is quite as much fun as irrational thinking brought on by current events.
Despite the fact that I'm still cracking jokes and sitting calmly on my couch (Not boarding over windows and high tailing it to somewhere I think is "safe"), my stomach is turning and I'm fighting back tears. This is why I don't watch the news, read papers, and selectively read posts on the internet. I am not a person who deals well with things out of my control, I really don't deal well with severe weather.
I'm horribly worried about my friends in the direct line of Hurricane Sandy. I'm horribly worried about my daughter and if I should be taking her to school tomorrow. I'm horribly worried about my mum who lives in a modular home in the country. I'm just horribly worried. Horribly, horribly worried.
My stomach is absolutely in knots. I'm not panicking. I'm not freaking out. I'm just watching TV, not the news, just some true crime show I ran across. I am however watching twitter and facebook and my friends updates.
Every part of me wants to curl up with my baby, where I know exactly where she is and what shes doing at every moment. I want to make my mum come to my house where I can keep her safe, or at least keeps us together. I want to gather supplies and turn my windowless bathroom into a bunker and hide out until the storm is over.
I know I'm thinking irrationally. I know that my home is built soundly and we're almost guaranteed our safety here. I know my friends are all taking proper precautions to ensure their safety. It doesn't matter. My brain won't shut off. I'm worried. Terribly terribly worried. Completely unable to rationalize the situation.
For the first time in months I am seriously contemplating taking one of my "panic pills" aka lorazapam so I can sleep tonight.
Can I just say... I. Fucking. Hate. My. Anxiety. Disorder.