11.7.13

The Freedom of Selective Isolation

Oh, hello little neglected blog. I know I haven't been here in awhile but here I am. 

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If I told people I was an introvert most people would laugh. If I told people I really hated being around people, they would keep laughing. 

Truth is though, I'd rather be alone. I choose my isolation based on a history of people being assholes. I like my hermit life. No one disappoints me, no one breaks promises, no one makes me feel like shit and no one tries to control my life. 

I am in complete control. If there is sadness, anger, joy, disappointment, anything, its on me. It's my problem. Same with my Monkey. I keep her sheltered from people who can disappoint her. People who cancel plans with her, people who lie to her, people who can disappoint her. It's not that I don't let her make friends with kids, kids are kids, she learns and grows from them. Adults however, I select very very carefully who becomes part of her life regularly. Very few pass the test and most just prove to me why I am so selective. 

As for myself, I keep my distance. I'm perfectly happy alone with bursts of social interaction. Does this make it difficult sometimes? Yup, but I've made it this far. I'm tired of people thinking because I have an illness that I can't function all by myself. I hate being made to feel like I require help to survive. I'm 29 years old, last time I checked I'm doing ok. Do I get lonely? Sure, but I remind myself why I made the choices I made and I move on. 

The people I have chosen to keep around acknowledge and respect my need to be alone. To shut off the world and just be by myself. Those who can't understand that can't stay around. It's how I live and I like it. If you don't, the door is over there. 

Life is so much simpler in silence and solitude. 

5 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. "I'm tired of people thinking because I have an illness that I can't function all by myself." We don't think you can't function by yourself, but when you are usually very vocal on social media and then go completely silent, to the point of not even texting friends, then, of course your friends get concerned. (I believe you would, too, if the situation was reversed.)

    "Life is so much simpler in silence and solitude."
    What you've been doing currently, though, is far from silence and solitude. You've been quite vocal on the social media channels - twitter, especially. And quite negatively vocal. It's as if you're screaming in pain and then when someone pays attention or tries to do something to help or alleviate said perceived pain and screaming, the response is "fuck off, I want to be left alone."

    Frankly, it's confusing and frustrating.

    And sure, cutting people off is a fantastic way to not get hurt. It's also a fantastic way to simply float through life without actually being a part of it.

    Personally, I want to teach my kids resilience and show them they can face challenges. Getting hurt is an almost inevitable fact of life. Teaching them they can handle it is more important to me than protecting them from it. I can't always be there to protect them. They need to know they have the strength within themselves. You can't find that out without some scratches.

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  3. What ^she^ said...basically sums up the words I've been trying to say to you...I will add, though, I'm still here if you'd like to have a coffee one day...

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  4. Without trying to criticise the comments above, it is very difficult to accept people into your life when you have a mental illness, even if you know would be a good thing for you. And anybody who hasn't experienced bipolar disorder or manic episodes will have massive difficulties understanding how you feel inside.

    If I draw on my own experiences of my worst depressive state, it feels like your mind is a see-saw. You can try to balance it yourself, but it's not easy. Inviting a friend inside could help you readdress the balance, or it can make it ten times worse.

    The "good" thing with bi-polar disorder is that you will make it through the other side. That's when you pray that the friends that may have been pissed at you can see that you didn't mean anything personally, but you needed to balance things yourself.

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  5. So it's ok to PURPOSELY hurt those who care so deeply without word or explanation or giving a shit all under the umbrella of mental illness. I find that's the hardest part in people understanding and knowing how to support. We are to forgive and understand and say its ok, we care, keep telling us to fuck off.

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Lord knows I have an opinion, you should have one too!