Lately I've had some major issues with my back. Not to get into details but I've been in lots of pain and terrified. This is just adding to the pile of holiday season downers for me. I'm living on Percocet and and coffee trying to keep it together. It's not going great but it's not completely debilitating yet either so I'm trying to keep my head up.
My plan today had been to hit some black Friday sales for me. I don't buy myself much and I'm in desperate need of boots and jeans (since I just ripped the only ones that were decent, fuck). I also wanted to look into something just for my new phone. So I got out the flyers and started the sift. Then I realized something. With the sales - I could easily buy a bunch of toys for low income kids.
Being homeless at Christmas sucked, being poor at Christmas sucks. Not because it's about gifts, but because it loses some magic when you feel like you're letting down your kid. I feel like this a lot, not just at Christmas but Christmas is worse. Little people don't understand being poor. They understand that every store has something shiny they want to look at. They understand that Santa loves them and brings them presents. They understand that something special happens on December 25th that they can't explain.
Kids with nothing don't understand why Santa doesn't visit them. They wish harder and harder but it doesn't change anything.
On December 25th sometimes nothing happens.
So today I'm going to skip the boots and jeans, forgo my personal toy, and hit the Black Friday sales for some donation toys. It's the right thing for me to do. It's not right for everyone and I'm not saying you should run out and drop your grocery money on toys, but I am asking that if you can, grab an extra Barbie, extra book or extra Beyblade and remind a kid that wishes come true if you believe they will and someone believes in you.
People have been so generous with me personally. My baby has never known not having a Christmas because people have been so kind and giving. I pray sometimes that I will be able to be that person to other families who need help one day. Until then I do what I can, and try and keep paying my blessings in life forward. Will I wear running shoes in the snow for awhile? Yup, but it won't kill me. An extra 2 weeks in runners means a real Christmas gift for some little person and that is the best decision I can make.
or HERE >
Driving home from picking up my daughter last night the rain was ridiculous. I decided to avoid the 401 and take the back way home from my mums. I do this pretty much anytime there's bad weather. I just find people on the 401 don't think in crappy weather.
Part way home I hit a pretty massive puddle. Puddle might be an understatement actually, it way more like a small lake. I started to hydroplane slightly and found my self stuck in a bit of a soft ditch made by the rain and muddy roadside. I was stuck.
Not a big deal. It sucked for sure to realise at 11:30pm I was going to be waiting for a tow truck to come yank me out but worse things have happened.
Luckily I had my trusty blackberry, I thought. I have an old blackberry curve, I won't get into how rogers stuck me with it but I've never liked the damn thing. It freezes, shuts down randomly and has constant functionality issues. Having taken it to rogers numerous times, I had basically accepted that this is how blackberrys ran and that I was SOL. I would be doing battery pulls multiple times a day until I could afford a new phone.
So I went to call for help and I had the spinning clock of death. Annoyed, I flipped the phone, pulled the battery and waited for it to reboot.
Wait another 5 minutes
I did this 4 times before I realised I was screwed. Back country road, middle of the night, sleeping toddler, pouring rain, stuck car... NO PHONE!
Very few cars come down the road I was on at night, not to mention the safety factor of standing in the road flagging down cars in the dark and the rain.
I suppose I could have thrown the blackberry at them. Make the damn thing slightly useful.
So I see approaching lights jump out of the car only to end up being soaked by the splash the car made through the puddle. Brilliant. Now I'm cold, wet, stranded and trying ANOTHER battery pull on my useless phone.
Of course, it fails.
Now im contemplating the fact that I am going to have to bundle up my toddler and walk to the nearest house, and knock on their door in the middle of the night while looking like a drowned rat. This sounds both safe and practical to me. Dark road, rain, strange houses. Its the stuff true crime novels and front page news is made of.
Then a truck stops (also front page news worthy but at least I'm not dragging Monkey out in the rain). Two men hop out and offer their help pushing me out. I almost cried. I am so grateful to them for helping a stranger on a dark stormy night.
So now I'm mad. Rogers and blackberry tell me my phone is fine but the one time I need it for an emergency its fucking useless. This happens all the time with this phone. How can this be "fine"???
I will never trust a blackberry or rogers again. If we had gone off the road into ditch and been injured we would have been in trouble.
I love BBM but I'm swapping to anything but a blackberry and anyone but rogers as soon as I can. I recommend you do the same.
Telling me to "cheer up", "look at all you have" or "tomorrow will be better" isn't going to change anything. Using "tough love" and telling me to "pull it together" or "stop being dramatic" also isn't going to change anything. You can't talk me into being happy.
Depression is not an emotion.
Though depression manifests as a complex series of emotions, it is not. It is an illness.
When I am in the midst of a depressive episode I can not see the forest for the trees. I feel like I am being crushed from the inside out. My thoughts and emotions are irrational. I am full of self-doubt and loathing. The chemicals in my brain no longer function properly and often leave me a sad trembling ball of hatred.
Depression can take on so many physical characteristics. The worst of which for me is the feeling that I can not function within my body. I stop eating, sleep more then I am awake and get severe headaches and body pains.
Sadly another manifestation of my personal depression is that I self-harm. I am lucky enough to be able to control it now, I have managed to keep my thoughts rational enough to prevent causing myself harm. I often do this by venting. Instead of turning inward, I turn outward. Most people don't understand this at all. They see it as drama. They see it as attention seeking. They dont see it as a safe substitution to cutting, drinking, or pill popping.
Though my issues are very real, I take them to a place far beyond what they need to be, seeing situations through desperate eyes and a heavy heart. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, only blackness. During my down times I dont have many choices that I am capable of making. If my mind had it's way I'd shut the door, sit in the dark, listen to angst filled music and get drunk while cutting myself. THIS is where I am given my only choice.
Even in complete darkness we are given choices.
I choose not to cut.
I choose to take care of my child.
I choose to cry, vent and sleep my way through the pain.
I choose to survive.
It has taken me years to get to this point. Many people will never get to this point. The demons are often stronger then the will to survive. I have lost friends to all the demons. Alcohol, drugs, self-destruction and suicide.
I have spent so much time thinking the past week that I think I've made up for not having graduated high school. I wish this was a happy go lucky post about the joy I got from Blissdom, and that will come, I promise. This is just more important right now.
This is the post wear I'm going to put my soul on the line. The post where I'm not going to hide what I'm going through. The post where I will potentially alienate people. Fuck.
Let's start at the beginning. I am a fraud a huge fraud. I spend my days making people smile and helping people, I come home and cry. I come home and fall apart. I am horribly horribly depressed, fairly heavily medicated and the exact opposite of what most people see.
I give away money every day, I fund raise and fight for people who can't fight for themselves. I wake up every morning not knowing if my lights will turn on or if my phone is still working. It's so ridiculous, its laughable. Laughable if I wasn't so busy bawling my face off. I sit in my car every day when I get home and cry. I avoid going into my home as long as possible. my home is the reality of the sadness of my life.
So many people spend time telling me I have such a light and such potential and they see such great things for me. I have no idea how to get those great things. People are trying to help me but I don't comprehend shit. I don't get it. And everything takes so much time.
I broke down at Blissdom so many times. In the Social Media for Social Good panel I asked how I can live my dream, not sacrifice my happiness and still feed my family and cried. I curled up in my bed and questioned what I was thinking spending money on a conference when I should have been paying bills. I listened to panels talk, knowing many of these people believed in me and wanted the best for me but I honestly had no idea why.
No. Idea. Why.
I'm just a poor girl with a big fucking dream and nothing else. Nothing. Else.
I've done everything people say to do. I try hard, I work hard, I take opportunities, I ask for help and yet I'm not moving forward. I can't keep doing this. It's killing me. I'm falling apart. Losing my mind. Ready to give up completely.
I've gotten so behind that I don't know where to start. I try to function and fail. I only feel human when Im surrounded by people, yet ironically have severe social anxiety issues. People like to inject themselves into my life and make comments about my going out when I "claim" broke. I go out because if I stayed home I would die. My soul would die. I need to be inspired and feel the light of other people in order to even bother making myself get out of bed in the morning.
I need a miracle that isn't coming.
I would rather be happy and poor then have money and hate myself. Not following my dreams feels like slow suicide. Not being able to pay my bills feels like slow suicide. My whole life feels like slow suicide right now. A disease with no cure and no matter which path I take the end result is the same.
When my friend @chickymara (on the Twitter) said she had a post that needed a home, I said I had a space that needed a post. Plus she said it was a post about lady things so you know I cant let this go. I mean, funny story about vaginas?! IM IN!
Peri-Menopause Ain’t Much Fun
Remember when you were a teenager and your greatest fear was wearing light coloured pants and then getting a surprise ‘visitor’ at school? Yes, I’m talking about menstruation: your period, the curse, ‘that time of the month’. But, then, as you got older, ‘Aunt Flo’s visits became more regular, and other worries like whether you had under boob in a bathing suit, muffin tops, or ass crack in your jeans took over. That’s until the peri-menopause takes you over.
According to the Mayo Clinic:
About a month ago, I was picking up my son from his sleep away camp bus. So excited to see my boy, I forgot that it was most likely THE DAY for my ‘friend’ to visit, and having rushed out the door, I did not prepare properly with the appropriate emergency supplies. Plus I’d worn a LIGHT colored pair of baby blue linen shorts that were particularly expensive (from Bloomingdales).
(Usually I don’t keep tampons in my purse since they seem to come out of those slinky wrappers very easily and then I have loose applicators and cotton ‘inserts’ floating around in my purse. I have handed my kids a tampon instead of gum on too many occasions. I’ve learned my lesson.)
Anyways, while I was waiting for the buses to come, I started to feel quite ill –like hot, and sweaty, and all achy. I was being overcome by the heat of the day. It also felt like a vice was taking hold of my stomach, and was tightening by the minute. I thought I’d pass out. I pretended I was getting the flu, since I didn’t have tampons with me.
As an aside, I had gotten the days wrong for his camp return (since I’m so organized) and had actually booked a dental cleaning for the poor child the same day as his return. So, we were not going home. As soon as I picked him up, we were off to Subway, and then the dentist (who also happens to be my brother).
We were driving along, and he was chattering away, and I was sweating and wanting to double over in pain. Imagine you ate 100 cans of beans. That’s how my stomach felt.
Driving to my brother’s office, all was very quiet. I could feel the box of heaven sticks burning a hole in my handbag, when my son piped up, ‘Mommy, what did you have to buy at the drugstore?’ Not knowing what to say, I went with honesty. ‘Mommy got her period and needed to buy tampons.’ He turned purple and didn’t say another word. I’ve never seen anyone so happy to arrive at the dentist. Once there, I high tailed it to the bathroom…again. But I had a dilemma. What to do with the makeshift lady diaper and the unsaveable panties. Making an executive decision, I shoved the whole mess in the Shoppers bag, smushed it into my purse, and went Commando. While wearing baby blue linen shorts. It was brave. And slightly liberating.
Tampons: Don’t leave home without them.
Period-Mageddon can happen at any age. Don’t get cocky.
Oxy Clean gets stains out of baby blue linen shorts. Get some
I have no fucking idea how the hell I do it.
There's a long time between now and June and lets face it, opportunity isn't just gonna hang out in my kitchen with a beer and some kraft dinner waiting to hit NYC for 9 months. I need to buy diapers and put gas in my car and I've been told saying "Don't you know I trended higher then Bieber once!" is not a form of payment accepted at my local Walmart (Maybe in Stratford?)...
So what do I do?! Where do I take this? Come on universe! Don't tell me I was game VIP and then bench me the next game. I want to write and talk, share ideas and twirl (though the twirling is not work related).
I want to help save the world for Monkey and it sure ain't gonna happen behind the counter of a Tim Hortons.
So help me. I'm fucking terrified. I refuse to just let this go. I'm ready for the next phase of my life. I'm ready to be someone. I'm ready to be someone who gets up every morning and does something great! Something other then math to make sure I have enough diapers for the week. I want to be the one to hand out the pillows.
So who wants me?
Who can help me?
Who is coming along for the next chapter in the book of Jodi?
Not that any of you need $15,000 right? Nope, not us, we're rolling in extra cash. Oh, you're not? Wanna be?
Centrsource is giving anyone, yes ANYONE, with a business (or a great business idea) a chance to win $15,000 PLUS free advertising. Plus runner up prizes and even prizes for voters. Money, advertising, iPads... this is the jackpot of contests!
Any business (or idea, registered or not) is welcome to participate! Etsy shop, cleaning business, restaurant, daycare, toy maker, butcher, baker even a candle stick maker can get in on this.
Oh, want some more incentive? How about a couple free months of advertising just for entering? Yeah, that's basically saving your business 100 bucks JUST because you entered to win $15,000. CRAZY!
So, you're going to want to run (or click) over to HERE before July 31st, 2011 and enter! (Open to Canadians minus Quebec)
So I`m sitting on my couch, minding my business, when I happen to glance up at my ceiling and see 3 massive spiders having some kind of spider meeting (Or maybe an orgy, I don`t know, I don`t speak spider). I play it cool, let them chill and having their little get together and then one of them decides to peace out and starts a decent towards the couch I am currently sitting on.
Since the damn thing is as big as a small dog I immediately started shouting ``Òh no you don`t`` and clapping at it in a deranged manner similar to someone trying to distract a toddler from a candy/balloon/toy/free puppy store. Suddenly he started to retreat and I realised it was not my voice or the clapping but the fact that I am now panic panting hard enough to send his web-line swinging. I barely have time to catch my breath when wise guy number two starts making his way down towards me.
Deciding that I will have none of that and being the truly modern and brave woman that I am, I immediately jump up from my seat, squeal my super high pitched battle cry and bolt for something in an aerosol can to battle the intruder with. Not wanting to have to touch the corpse, I also grabbed my vacuum hose section. Now armed with Glade air freshner and a vacuum, I approached the ring leader as it once again made its attempted decent.
That's when I struck!
While squealing (its a battle cry! Remember?!) I took aim and fired! Shooting a mist of fresh linen scented death at him. Finger still on the trigger I realised it wasnt working, so I kicked on the vacuum, ready to suck the little bastard into oblivion! To my horror I realised that the vacuum hose wasn't sucking anything in and I had inadvertently given him an escape into the protection of the nozzle!
Then it happened... 2 or maybe 3, probably closer to 35 creepy crawly legs came out of the hose not even half an inch from my hand. I threw the hose, kicked off the vacuum, and stepped back to try to make my own escape from the epic death match I was entangled in. I stepped back, right onto a dinky car. Since I wasn't paying attention to the other two conspirators I can only assume it was placed there by them while I was distracted with attacker number one.
Falling over on to more strategically placed toys, I frantically scrambled backwards to get away, having lost sight of my opponent. Knowing how fast a spider normally can move, it was only logical to assume an angry, freshly scented spider moves faster. Pulling myself to my feet I lunged for the bathroom to seek out another weapon, when I realised something was wrong. My lunge landing foot seemed unwilling to support my landing weight and once again I found myself on the floor at the mercy of my eight legged nemesis.
Hobbling I managed to retreat to the bathroom where I found the ultimate in anti-spider weaponry, hairspray. Slowly, carefully I returned to the location of our battle, re-armed and ready to finish what I started. He, however, was nowhere to be found. Obviously having taken the opportunity to leave and regroup in preparation for our inevitable future meeting. The epic battle never over until one of us lay dead. As a reminder to his cohorts of what too could happen to them, I liberally coated his last known location with hairspray.
I then returned to my seat. Where I am now, with hairspray at the ready, telling you, my loyal readers of my epic fight. I tell you this in hopes that should the battle continue and I not make it back, you will share my story with the world. Tell the people of my sacrifice and journey and hopefully it will prevent them from having to travel the same path I did.
A path that ends in victory for no one, but a super fresh smelling house for at least an hour.
I'd also probably have had to have won the lottery. Concert tickets arn't cheap by any means. Especially U2! Have you looked online at people selling tickets?! Thousands of dollars... It's effing insane! That doesn't even include food or transportation or parking or a place to stay or a souvenir or anything. Chances are you're also sitting in the nose bleeds. Watching the concert on a screen because the stage is so far away you're not sure if you're watching Bono and the Edge or a kindergarten presentation of The Ants Go Marching.
So long story short I dream of seeing U2 in concert and have for YEARS! Closest I've gotten to it is seeing some random drunk guy serenading his date of the night at karaoke with With Or Without You or concert footage on TV. Until now...
Ok well not like officially until now but its more likely now lol. Get Tickets has a contest running on facebook for the July 11th, 2011 show in Toronto to see U2! Its floor seats, dinner and an overnight stay for 2, and they're giving away 2 of them!! So in hopes that I may convince you to bring me along if you win I'm telling you about it. More people I know entering is more people I know who might win and bring me along right?
SO... Run on over here http://apps.facebook.com/utwo-get-tickets/blog and enter. Theres no skill testing, friend sending (unless you want to) crap to fill out. Just like it and you're in!
Don't get me wrong I do plan on winning, however should there be a glitch in my plan I have no problem going with one of you lovely angels.