When my friend @chickymara (on the Twitter) said she had a post that needed a home, I said I had a space that needed a post. Plus she said it was a post about lady things so you know I cant let this go. I mean, funny story about vaginas?! IM IN!
Plus the name of my blog IS My Accidental Life... and this, well, was an accident for sure.
Without further ado...
Peri-Menopause Ain’t Much Fun
Remember when you were a teenager and your greatest fear was wearing light coloured pants and then getting a surprise ‘visitor’ at school? Yes, I’m talking about menstruation: your period, the curse, ‘that time of the month’. But, then, as you got older, ‘Aunt Flo’s visits became more regular, and other worries like whether you had under boob in a bathing suit, muffin tops, or ass crack in your jeans took over. That’s until the peri-menopause takes you over.
According to the Mayo Clinic:
About a month ago, I was picking up my son from his sleep away camp bus. So excited to see my boy, I forgot that it was most likely THE DAY for my ‘friend’ to visit, and having rushed out the door, I did not prepare properly with the appropriate emergency supplies. Plus I’d worn a LIGHT colored pair of baby blue linen shorts that were particularly expensive (from Bloomingdales).
(Usually I don’t keep tampons in my purse since they seem to come out of those slinky wrappers very easily and then I have loose applicators and cotton ‘inserts’ floating around in my purse. I have handed my kids a tampon instead of gum on too many occasions. I’ve learned my lesson.)
Anyways, while I was waiting for the buses to come, I started to feel quite ill –like hot, and sweaty, and all achy. I was being overcome by the heat of the day. It also felt like a vice was taking hold of my stomach, and was tightening by the minute. I thought I’d pass out. I pretended I was getting the flu, since I didn’t have tampons with me.
As an aside, I had gotten the days wrong for his camp return (since I’m so organized) and had actually booked a dental cleaning for the poor child the same day as his return. So, we were not going home. As soon as I picked him up, we were off to Subway, and then the dentist (who also happens to be my brother).
We were driving along, and he was chattering away, and I was sweating and wanting to double over in pain. Imagine you ate 100 cans of beans. That’s how my stomach felt.
Driving to my brother’s office, all was very quiet. I could feel the box of heaven sticks burning a hole in my handbag, when my son piped up, ‘Mommy, what did you have to buy at the drugstore?’ Not knowing what to say, I went with honesty. ‘Mommy got her period and needed to buy tampons.’ He turned purple and didn’t say another word. I’ve never seen anyone so happy to arrive at the dentist. Once there, I high tailed it to the bathroom…again. But I had a dilemma. What to do with the makeshift lady diaper and the unsaveable panties. Making an executive decision, I shoved the whole mess in the Shoppers bag, smushed it into my purse, and went Commando. While wearing baby blue linen shorts. It was brave. And slightly liberating.
Peri-Menopause Ain’t Much Fun
Remember when you were a teenager and your greatest fear was wearing light coloured pants and then getting a surprise ‘visitor’ at school? Yes, I’m talking about menstruation: your period, the curse, ‘that time of the month’. But, then, as you got older, ‘Aunt Flo’s visits became more regular, and other worries like whether you had under boob in a bathing suit, muffin tops, or ass crack in your jeans took over. That’s until the peri-menopause takes you over.
According to the Mayo Clinic:
Perimenopause, also called the menopausal transition, is the interval in which a woman's body makes a natural shift from more-or-less regular cycles of ovulation and menstruation toward permanent infertility, or menopause.
Women start perimenopause at different ages. In your 40s, or even as early as your 30s, your may start noticing the signs. Your periods may become irregular — longer, shorter, heavier or lighter, sometimes more and sometimes less than 28 days apart.
Note the bolded words. They are important.
About a month ago, I was picking up my son from his sleep away camp bus. So excited to see my boy, I forgot that it was most likely THE DAY for my ‘friend’ to visit, and having rushed out the door, I did not prepare properly with the appropriate emergency supplies. Plus I’d worn a LIGHT colored pair of baby blue linen shorts that were particularly expensive (from Bloomingdales).
(Usually I don’t keep tampons in my purse since they seem to come out of those slinky wrappers very easily and then I have loose applicators and cotton ‘inserts’ floating around in my purse. I have handed my kids a tampon instead of gum on too many occasions. I’ve learned my lesson.)
Anyways, while I was waiting for the buses to come, I started to feel quite ill –like hot, and sweaty, and all achy. I was being overcome by the heat of the day. It also felt like a vice was taking hold of my stomach, and was tightening by the minute. I thought I’d pass out. I pretended I was getting the flu, since I didn’t have tampons with me.
As an aside, I had gotten the days wrong for his camp return (since I’m so organized) and had actually booked a dental cleaning for the poor child the same day as his return. So, we were not going home. As soon as I picked him up, we were off to Subway, and then the dentist (who also happens to be my brother).
We were driving along, and he was chattering away, and I was sweating and wanting to double over in pain. Imagine you ate 100 cans of beans. That’s how my stomach felt.
We went into Subway, and I said to the kid, trying to hide my mounting desperate agony, ‘You wait here; mommy has to pee like a racehorse’. By now, I was shaking with nerves. I had no idea what I would find down there. Nobody had pointed at me screaming, ‘Call an ambulance, that lady’s butt is bleeding!!!’. Thus, I still had a measure of Hope that all was well down there. That Hope that was quickly dashed in that Subway bathroom. For, what I found in my baby blue linen shorts can only be termed as PERIOD-MAGEDDON. It was scary. It looked like my uterus had fallen out. All over my shorts, my thighs, my everywhere. Using every piece of toilet paper in that Subway bathroom I created a mommy diaper to rival no other, and rejoined my son to order lunch, a fake smile plastered on my face.
And then, sitting at the counter, I spied my saviour- a Shoppers Drug Mart. I said to my child (who is 12 so well old enough to sit at Subway for minutes on his own) ‘Mommy needs to go to the drugstore for a minute. I’ll be right back’. I waddled over to Shoppers, snagged a box of Tampax, and some triple strength Midol, and headed back to retrieve the kid.
Driving to my brother’s office, all was very quiet. I could feel the box of heaven sticks burning a hole in my handbag, when my son piped up, ‘Mommy, what did you have to buy at the drugstore?’ Not knowing what to say, I went with honesty. ‘Mommy got her period and needed to buy tampons.’ He turned purple and didn’t say another word. I’ve never seen anyone so happy to arrive at the dentist. Once there, I high tailed it to the bathroom…again. But I had a dilemma. What to do with the makeshift lady diaper and the unsaveable panties. Making an executive decision, I shoved the whole mess in the Shoppers bag, smushed it into my purse, and went Commando. While wearing baby blue linen shorts. It was brave. And slightly liberating.
What did I learn?
Tampons: Don’t leave home without them.
Period-Mageddon can happen at any age. Don’t get cocky.
Oxy Clean gets stains out of baby blue linen shorts. Get some
Tampons: Don’t leave home without them.
Period-Mageddon can happen at any age. Don’t get cocky.
Oxy Clean gets stains out of baby blue linen shorts. Get some
Want to read more from Mara? www.beniceorleavethanks.com
I love posts where I can totally relate to the author. Strangely enough, I have come up with the same conclusions.
ReplyDeleteYou get bonus points for embarrassing your kid tho!
Been there...FAR too many times.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the club ;)
Ha ha Mara, you are priceless!! Two years ago I had the same thing happen while on a cruise through the Mediterranean. I'm sure the ship's Purser's office thought I had a big-time gambling problem as I was there every day (sometimes twice) to turn a $20 into rolls of quarters. Wasn't gonna explain that they were for the tampax machines. (You just try buying tampons in Dubrovnik, Croatia ...)
ReplyDeleteLMAO! Been there done that :-) I try to stay home on the first day now. With peri-menopause has come a terribly heavy flow.
ReplyDeleteAnd I may or may not have once wrapped a pair of undies in many layers of tissue and pushed them down into the garbage at the public washroom at work. And then may have worked the rest of the day commando. Maybe.
Thanks for this :-)
Chicky, I am sure that a lot of us can relate to what you went through - I could never say it so well! Thanks for always keeping me laughing - have I told you that I am glad you are back?
ReplyDeleteI was vacillating between holding my breath and laughing all the way through this! Horrific and hilarious!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I will post my "The Day I Wet My Pants" post or my "I'm Here For A Good Time, Not For A Long Time" post! We could start a TMI blog!
Kerry at housetalkn.blogspot.com