Falling Apart


I have spent so much time thinking the past week that I think I've made up for not having graduated high school. I wish this was a happy go lucky post about the joy I got from Blissdom, and that will come, I promise. This is just more important right now.

This is the post wear I'm going to put my soul on the line. The post where I'm not going to hide what I'm going through. The post where I will potentially alienate people. Fuck.

Let's start at the beginning. I am a fraud a huge fraud. I spend my days making people smile and helping people, I come home and cry. I come home and fall apart. I am horribly horribly depressed, fairly heavily medicated and the exact opposite of what most people see.

I give away money every day, I fund raise and fight for people who can't fight for themselves. I wake up every morning not knowing if my lights will turn on or if my phone is still working. It's so ridiculous, its laughable. Laughable if I wasn't so busy bawling my face off. I sit in my car every day when I get home and cry. I avoid going into my home as long as possible. my home is the reality of the sadness of my life.

So many people spend time telling me I have such a light and such potential and they see such great things for me. I have no idea how to get those great things. People are trying to help me but I don't comprehend shit. I don't get it. And everything takes so much time.

I broke down at Blissdom so many times. In the Social Media for Social Good panel I asked how I can live my dream, not sacrifice my happiness and still feed my family and cried. I curled up in my bed and questioned what I was thinking spending money on a conference when I should have been paying bills. I listened to panels talk, knowing many of these people believed in me and wanted the best for me but I honestly had no idea why.

No. Idea. Why.

I'm just a poor girl with a big fucking dream and nothing else. Nothing. Else.

I've done everything people say to do. I try hard, I work hard, I take opportunities, I ask for help and yet I'm not moving forward. I can't keep doing this. It's killing me. I'm falling apart. Losing my mind. Ready to give up completely.

I've gotten so behind that I don't know where to start. I try to function and fail. I only feel human when Im surrounded by people, yet ironically have severe social anxiety issues. People like to inject themselves into my life and make comments about my going out when I "claim" broke. I go out because if I stayed home I would die. My soul would die. I need to be inspired and feel the light of other people in order to even bother making myself get out of bed in the morning.

I need a miracle that isn't coming.

I would rather be happy and poor then have money and hate myself. Not following my dreams feels like slow suicide. Not being able to pay my bills feels like slow suicide. My whole life feels like slow suicide right now. A disease with no cure and no matter which path I take the end result is the same.


  1. You are loved by many. You impacted many. Please continue to reach out...{{{{hugs}}}}

  2. I'm not quite as brave as you to put myself out there. We'll chat today, I'm sure. Maybe cry together. We'll see.

  3. It amazes me how much I identify with the things you share about how you're feeling. That feeling of slipping through quicksand without a damned thing to grasp on to while everyone around you tells you you're doing great and you're a viking and a beacon of happiness and light... It's never easy to try and maintain that facade of what everyone sees... especially to yourself when you're alone and have nobody left to keep that mask on for.

    Just know this, you are absolutely not alone. And all the uphill battle will eventually be worth all of this stress and conflicting emotions.

    ((((((big bear hugs)))))))

  4. How can we help?
    How can I help?
    How can I make you understand you're not alone and there are a lot of us girls lost and slow out here with big fucking dreams and nothing else?
    You're not alone.

    Sincerely, @writewrds

  5. You are not alone and I admire your courage for speaking out about what many of us struggle with but wont admit to it... Sending lots of light and love your way... Praying it embraces your every fear and gives you strenghth to rise above this for good....Cami

  6. Jodi, everyday I pray that what I give out will come back to me in some way. Someday I KNOW that I will be able to spend my days helping people while still being able to provide for my family and I also know that you will be able to as well. A heart like yours does not go unrewarded or unnoticed. You are strong and beautiful and amazing and things will get better, be patient and continue to do what you do best, being a beacon of light and inspiration to all of those around you. M.

  7. Ok. Everyone is going to think I'm mean, a jerk, whatever. I'm going to post opinion anyway because that's what you seem to ask for.

    First off, everyone has nothing but positive feedback. Great. Very helpful. Encouraging even. I'm in agreement with everyone on one key point here:

    You are a good person.

    I have no doubt of this, it's evident in the things you do, post and tweet about.

    HOWEVER, I also think your priorities are beyond skewed. You talk about having difficulty paying bills (I have no idea how much of an over or understatment this might be), then go on to say that "if I stayed home I would die", in reference to how much you go out. I follow you on twitter, so I already know you go out. A lot. I'm sorry, but this "I have to go out" is pure and utter bullshit. I will never pretend to face the difficulties or hardships you have had to face, but I do remember what it was like working 60-70 hours a week for $10.50/hr to be able to barely pay my bills and debt. I couldn't afford to go to the bar. Ever. I couldn't eat out often - and I mean a coffee at Tim Hortons was luxury. I did it because I had to.

    My spouse at the same time worked the same hours I did, WHILE attending college. She's stronger than I ever was. (Some people say girls are and she makes me believe it). Sacrifices people have to make to survive and succeed.

    Lets forget about the monetary issues completely here and just focus on going out as often as you do. Where is your kid during this? She is number 1, forget about everyone else you're giving your money to or trying to save. They mean nothing if she isn't put at the top. Maybe I'm off base on this one because I can't actually see if she goes with you on all these trips everywhere - and if so, I guess I'm wrong on this one, but I do recall you posting about seperation issues, so that's where this comes from.

    In closing, I do wish you the best and I come off as a jerk a lot - but I am telling it as I see and believe.

    I'm sick of encouraging BS. Stay the course, hang in there, something better will come, blah blah - you know what? Something better will come, but you'll make it come, it won't magically appear.

    I'll close by saying I respect what you've been through and what you're going through now, and again I won't pretend to fully understand or "have been there", but I think a re-alignment of priorities is in order.

    - JustMyTail

  8. Okay Jods you haven't seen my ball buster side yet and you may take what I'll write that way, but it's my honest answer.

    I've been where you are. Many have. We choose to busy ourselves (with good causes often) in order to avoid facing ourselves. You've stated that in your blog, by going out you're avoiding yourself and managing to punish yourself at the same time by further deteriorating your financial situation. I did it with booze.

    There is an answer, you can learn how to live life on life's terms while experiencing true happiness. TRUE happiness, not just instant gratification which takes you outta the pit you see yourself in.

    The question becomes, are you ready to actually experience your OWN life?

    When you are, talk to me...I can help you begin the work you'll need to do.

    Until then you know I care about you but I won't support you being a maverick to your own detriment.That doesn't mean that I won't interact with you or adore you....but I will continue challenging you.

    Praying that your depression and negative emotions will be lifted enough for you to see these responses as a great opportunity and for you to have a chance to rest.


  9. I can definitely relate to you girl! I came out of an abusive relationship 5 years ago and it has been an ongoing battle mentally physically and emotionally. I am finally in a good job with good bosses and I don't even think they understand the true impact they are having on my life. Jodi, you are not allow I had to do that same thing because it was the only way I could survive. You and me girl we need to have a heart to heart Love you :)

  10. Depression and anxiety? Yup, been there and still medicated (for the anxiety). I believe the answers you are looking for are somewhere amongst all the comments posted here, the positive warm-and-fuzzies and the harder-to-read, tough-loves.

    Reality as I see it, from my own experience, you need to get YOU right first. Meds are only part of doing that. Friends are great but professional help is necessary. Essential even depending on where your head is at. Helping others is great and terribly rewarding. The elation and satisfaction you get from it are important but MIGHT be masking the real issues.

    I'm not a therapist and this is just my two cents. I probably owe you some change.


Lord knows I have an opinion, you should have one too!