I'm Still Here

The next few months are opening up opportunities for me to show myself how far I have come over the past 5 years. I've been homeless, I've lived in a strange city, I've been pregnant, I've had surgery, I've mentally fallen apart, I've physically fallen apart and yet... I'm still here.

Do you hear that?

I'M STILL FUCKING HERE!

I have taken everything the world has thrown at me and I. Am. Still. Here.

Yeah, Ive become a mom, I make life work despite poverty, I have a home, I have healed physical wounds. To me though, nothing compares to the fact that I am still here. All the nights i've laid wondering if I could take one more thing, if I was being selfish to include a beautiful little girl in my messed up life, if the sun really was going to come up in the morning and if I would see my breath in the crisp winter air one more time. All the days I used nap time to bawl my face off, took 2 minutes shelter in my room to scream silently into a pillow, the days I broke down unable to contain my anger and frustration.

I'm still here.

I have ripped hair from my head, scratched my arms raw, fallen to the floor and wept like a child. I have experienced death, deception, theft, and gaping open stab wounds to my back.

I'm still here.

The medication helps, but only if you want it to help. I've danced, I've sang, I've written and I have hugged my way out of the depths of a hell my own mind can't help but create for itself. My brain misfires and is fundamentally flawed, but dammit...

I'm still here.

Every breath.

Every tear.

Everything I have done wrong.

Everything I've managed to get right.

I've been pushed to the limits of what a human can tolerate, looked over the edge and said "Fuck you! This is my life and you can't have it!". I have slowly, and with many bumps along the way, taken back what is rightfully mine.

I'm Still Here.

I still don't have all the details, all the answers, all the finances for how I'm going to make any of this happen, but when I step up to tell my story at 140 conference and when I sit down to listen to others knowledge at Blissdom, I will be looking my demons in the eye and screaming -

"You took so much from me but I kept my lungs full of air. I kept my heart beating. I kept my soul full of love and light. I'M STILL HERE!"