Somewhere in my house there is an angry,sticky, wheezing spider that smells cottony fresh.
So I`m sitting on my couch, minding my business, when I happen to glance up at my ceiling and see 3 massive spiders having some kind of spider meeting (Or maybe an orgy, I don`t know, I don`t speak spider). I play it cool, let them chill and having their little get together and then one of them decides to peace out and starts a decent towards the couch I am currently sitting on.
Since the damn thing is as big as a small dog I immediately started shouting ``Òh no you don`t`` and clapping at it in a deranged manner similar to someone trying to distract a toddler from a candy/balloon/toy/free puppy store. Suddenly he started to retreat and I realised it was not my voice or the clapping but the fact that I am now panic panting hard enough to send his web-line swinging. I barely have time to catch my breath when wise guy number two starts making his way down towards me.
Deciding that I will have none of that and being the truly modern and brave woman that I am, I immediately jump up from my seat, squeal my super high pitched battle cry and bolt for something in an aerosol can to battle the intruder with. Not wanting to have to touch the corpse, I also grabbed my vacuum hose section. Now armed with Glade air freshner and a vacuum, I approached the ring leader as it once again made its attempted decent.
That's when I struck!
While squealing (its a battle cry! Remember?!) I took aim and fired! Shooting a mist of fresh linen scented death at him. Finger still on the trigger I realised it wasnt working, so I kicked on the vacuum, ready to suck the little bastard into oblivion! To my horror I realised that the vacuum hose wasn't sucking anything in and I had inadvertently given him an escape into the protection of the nozzle!
Then it happened... 2 or maybe 3, probably closer to 35 creepy crawly legs came out of the hose not even half an inch from my hand. I threw the hose, kicked off the vacuum, and stepped back to try to make my own escape from the epic death match I was entangled in. I stepped back, right onto a dinky car. Since I wasn't paying attention to the other two conspirators I can only assume it was placed there by them while I was distracted with attacker number one.
Falling over on to more strategically placed toys, I frantically scrambled backwards to get away, having lost sight of my opponent. Knowing how fast a spider normally can move, it was only logical to assume an angry, freshly scented spider moves faster. Pulling myself to my feet I lunged for the bathroom to seek out another weapon, when I realised something was wrong. My lunge landing foot seemed unwilling to support my landing weight and once again I found myself on the floor at the mercy of my eight legged nemesis.
Hobbling I managed to retreat to the bathroom where I found the ultimate in anti-spider weaponry, hairspray. Slowly, carefully I returned to the location of our battle, re-armed and ready to finish what I started. He, however, was nowhere to be found. Obviously having taken the opportunity to leave and regroup in preparation for our inevitable future meeting. The epic battle never over until one of us lay dead. As a reminder to his cohorts of what too could happen to them, I liberally coated his last known location with hairspray.
I then returned to my seat. Where I am now, with hairspray at the ready, telling you, my loyal readers of my epic fight. I tell you this in hopes that should the battle continue and I not make it back, you will share my story with the world. Tell the people of my sacrifice and journey and hopefully it will prevent them from having to travel the same path I did.
A path that ends in victory for no one, but a super fresh smelling house for at least an hour.