A Letter From A Broken Heart

I want to preface this by saying this is not a bash or hate mail. This isn't begging and pleading. It's just my head space. Sometimes people, events, life impacts you hard and fast and there's no escaping your feelings and thoughts. Until you find yourself in a position you never know how you're going to react, and this... this is how I am reacting right now. Press play and read.

What did I do?!

What didn't I do?!

What is wrong with me?!

What the FUCK is wrong with me?!

I... I don't even know. Maybe if I had the words to express how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, I wouldn't feel so lost. So empty. So broken.

My heart was broken, I needed a friend, I needed to feel like I wasn't useless, worthless and unattractive. I needed something.

Suddenly there it was in front of me. 

Something amazing, beautiful and incredibly new. I felt like a princess. I felt important. I felt understood. I didn't feel like the freak I normally feel like. I don't even know how to explain it. All the fairy tale moments you picture in your head were happening. So fast I fell. Fast and hard. I was more myself then I ever had been before in front of another person. I was passionate, emotional, completely real. I felt normal. Normal... how I've craved normalcy in my life. 

It wasn't just about me. I had met someone I felt like I meshed with so well. Passion, dreams, emotions. Someone I wanted to watch grow and succeed. I wanted to do anything in my power to make them feel as amazing as they made me feel. 

I opened myself up completely. Things I had never told anyone else. Things I had never shown anyone else. I decided to throw away my habits formed by a history of broken trust and pain. I stood naked, completely vulnerable. We were like kids. Laughing, giggling, making plans like teenagers that had never known heartbreak. We were passionate about our lives, maybe too passionate. We were two sticks of dynamite in a shoebox, occasionally hit by a discarded match.  But we held fire extinguishers at the ready. 

... and then it was done.

I was so upset I was sick. In bed for days. I tried so hard. I wanted it so badly. I wanted you so badly.

I adored you.

Your passion.

Your intelligence. 

Your dreams.


Maybe that was my downfall. 

I certainly didn't think you were perfect, but I thought you were amazing. I thought we were amazing.

So ridiculous that I have been so affected in such a short time. 

To feel so much pain.

To feel so broken.

Even so far as to question myself as a parent. A parent who listens to her baby ask when were going to see you. To play with her friend. To curl up in her first normal family moment and listen to stories. Did I hurt her? Did I make her sad? Did I just give her two more people to miss?

Watching you walk away, it felt like I lost a piece of my soul. The reaction was unexpected and debilitating. I don't know how not to feel with everything I have. My heart is fragile. My soul is sensitive. 

I feel so stupid. 

I feel so naive.

I feel so so broken.

"But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough"
                                          Somebody I Used To Know - Gotye


  1. *hugs* It gets better, I promise. But for right now - let yourself feel it. I'm glad you decided to write this.

  2. This is such an interesting blog. You are very knowledgeable about this subject. Please check out my site.


Lord knows I have an opinion, you should have one too!