Oh the insanity!

So it's Friday. Im sitting on the couch, wearing my jammies, wine in hand, slightly inebriated and craving pizza. For the first time I don't have to pick up my child tomorrow, I don't have any obligations to anyone for roughly 48 hours.

The house seems quiet, window is open, crisp breeze blowing in. Its so... quiet. I mean normally Monkey is in bed and sound asleep by now but this is a different kind of silence. Not a forced silence with me tip toeing around making sure I dont wake the baby. The silence just... is.

I feel like I can breathe deeper.

I love my daughter with every ounce of who I am but as a human sometimes, I just need to be alone. Completely alone. Sometimes having someone with you 24/7 can end up making you feel lonelier then when its just you all by yourself. To be yourself, you need to be able to focus on yourself alone.

...And nothing but the truth

"Ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies" - Oliver Goldsmith

The past few months... ok year... ok couple of years... have been plagued by the question "Are you ok?" in my world. I smile, I nod, I say "yes"... the asker smiles, nods and moves on with their life. A simple exchange that no one thinks twice about. Well except me, I think about it twice, three times, at night, the next day... It haunts me. A little question in passing meant as an expression of caring and a show of support and I hate it. Not because it was asked but because I answer it every. fucking. time. with a lie.

The truth?

I am not ok.

I havn't been "ok" in a very long time. Its true, I have moments of absolute joy. Days, weeks where I am blissfully happy or at least blissfully unaware and completely able to function. I smile, I laugh, I go out and enjoy life. Hell I hold hands with people who arn't ok and tell them how amazing life can be and that they are such a beautiful and special part of what makes this world awesome. My reality is a much darker one. My rose coloured glasses have long since turned grey and my rainbows are a monochromatic wasteland.

I have severe clinical depression.

The kind of depression that doesn't ever go away. A disease that can be managed but not cured. Diagnosed when I was just a child, I've spent basically 2/3s of my 27 years in a depressive hell. Medication, hospitals and scars have plagued my life. Like anyone, at times my depression has been situational, but most of the time it actually is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I also have a severe anxiety disorder. The combination of these two mental health diseases makes my life a constant struggle. Add to that my history in general and you're left with a shell of a human being.

Some people see me as a whiner. Someone who bitches and moans constantly, an attention seeker, an annoyance. In truth I probably am those things at least some of the time, but I also don't know any differently. I don't know how to just be. My brain doesn't allow it. It also contributes to the creation of more problems in my world.

I don't know how to focus, I can't keep a job, I hoard.

I don't sleep properly, I drink too much, I'm easily angered/upset/annoyed.

In the past i've had addiction issues, promiscuity issues and have been known to self harm.

Even as a write this my focused, understandable writings are losing steam. I want to scream, and cry, and throw things, and pour a stiff drink, and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes, and bleed just as proof that I am as human as the people I see every day. My body is starting a revolt against my mind. Headaches, vomiting, body pain, all my body's way of covering up mental pain with physical pain. My body is trying to self-preserve by destroying itself.

So why the fuck am I telling people all this? Its not exactly shit that endears me to people and makes people want to be around me. If anything it makes people give me "the look" and walk away, you know "the look". The one of pity and disgust Im sure we've all seen in some capacity.

Well I'm telling people this because the silver lining in my grey world is becoming tarnished and Im starting to lose my grip. I don't honestly know what the next little bit of my life is going to be like.

What I do know is that my stress levels are through the roof. In fact I just threw a phone across my apartment and into a wall. A sure sign of mental stability and wonderful coping skills.

So there it is folks. In black and white. I am melting down but I'm fucking trying dammit and I don't know how to be any different. And to paraphrase the late Ms. Monroe, If you cant fucking handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

(Just FYI...I've spent today trying to research parents with depression. Tried to find information on coping techniques, new ways to operate, anything... You know what I've found? That everyone is concerned about the children and no one really gives a rats ass about the parents beyond the fact that their horrible mental state is damaging their children. Gee thanks doctors and scientists of the world, don't help us try and get better just keep telling us were failing.)

You're So Vain...

... ok so maybe not since this post actually might be about you. I'm not actually going to tell you who this post is about Some of you might figure it out all on your own and good on ya, but this post is for me, not you so whatev y'all!

I'm a big believer that everyone needs someone to look up to. Someone who inspires you to be a better you every day. Not someone to compare yourself to but someone who can show you how to open the windows when the doors slam shut.

I like to think of that person as a Mental Mentor (little double meaning there, can you find it?). Its not someone you fawn over or demand from, just someone who when you need it you can look at them and their life and be inspired.

My Mental Mentor i've never met. I observed her from a far for a long time on "the twitter", I read things she wrote, I watched her interact, I actually silently thought I wasn't good enough to be her friend. She has a beautiful family, talent, poise, intelligence and humour. People seemed naturally drawn to her. She also was flawed, and beautifully so. Slightly self-deprecating and vulnerable showed me that perfection lies in the imperfect.

I remember the day she started following me on Twitter. I remember getting the notification email and just about falling out of my chair. It was like a celebrity suddenly was taking an interest. I was a little overwhelmed and suddenly a whole lot shy. I didn't want to post somethings in fear that I would be unfollowed. I know, how silly right? Yeah shut up like you've never done it. Luckily for me I am completely unable not to make an ass out of myself, and I throughly enjoy doing it, turned out she enjoyed it most of the time too.

I learned over time she too dealt with body image issues, made some serious mistakes growing up and still isn't always what people expect her to be. She swears and flails and goes against the norms. Shes also passionate and caring and a fierce fighter I wouldn't want to meet in a back alley debate (or behind a dumpster, Im fairly certain she'd kick my ass in a heartbeat. Well maybe not, but why take that risk?). She tries new things, cherishes old things and doesn't miss an opportunity to help other people.

I know what you're thinking, "Ok Jodi, once again you've rambled on and on this time about some fucking weird girl crush you seem to have (which, by the way, may earn you a restraining order and a talking to from some nice men in blue). Are you going to bring us to some kind of point or just keep gushing like a teeny bopper at a Bieber concert?"

So I bring you, My Point. You never know who you're going to inspire or why. You also never know who is going to inspire you. My Mental Mentor Im sure has no idea I think so highly of her and I don't want our dynamic to change so chances of me telling her are probably slim, (unless you know she reads this and figures it out... Umm HI! Ha, yeah... soooo sup? Me? Nothin... Im cool (For the love of god be cool Jodi) (Parenthesis inside parenthesis inside parenthesis? Did I just break the english language?)).

The people we look up to don't have to be rich or famous, they just have to be able to inspire us to be better then we were the day before.