Blackberry and Rogers - a tag team of fuck ups

Driving home from picking up my daughter last night the rain was ridiculous. I decided to avoid the 401 and take the back way home from my mums.  I do this pretty much anytime there's bad weather. I just find people on the 401 don't think in crappy weather.

Part way home I hit a pretty massive puddle. Puddle might be an understatement actually, it way more like a small lake. I started to hydroplane slightly and found my self stuck in a bit of a soft ditch made by the rain and muddy roadside. I was stuck.

Not a big deal. It sucked for sure to realise at 11:30pm I was going to be waiting for a tow truck to come yank me out but worse things have happened.

Luckily I had my trusty blackberry, I thought. I have an old blackberry curve, I won't get into how rogers stuck me with it but I've never liked the damn thing. It freezes, shuts down randomly and has constant functionality issues. Having taken it to rogers numerous times, I had basically accepted that this is how blackberrys ran and that I was SOL. I would be doing battery pulls multiple times a day until I could afford a new phone.

So I went to call for help and I had the spinning clock of death. Annoyed, I flipped the phone, pulled the battery and waited for it to reboot.

5 Minutes

Phone loads

Immediately freezes

Fuck

Pull battery

Wait another 5 minutes

Phone loads

Frozen again

I did this 4 times before I realised I was screwed. Back country road, middle of the night, sleeping toddler, pouring rain, stuck car... NO PHONE!

Very few cars come down the road I was on at night, not to mention the safety factor of standing in the road flagging down cars in the dark and the rain.

I suppose I could have thrown the blackberry at them. Make the damn thing slightly useful.

So I see approaching lights jump out of the car only to end up being soaked by the splash the car made through the puddle. Brilliant. Now I'm cold, wet, stranded and trying ANOTHER battery pull on my useless phone.

Of course, it fails.

Now im contemplating the fact that I am going to have to bundle up my toddler and walk to the nearest house, and knock on their door in the middle of the night while looking like a drowned rat. This sounds both safe and practical to me. Dark road, rain, strange houses. Its the stuff true crime novels and front page news is made of.

Then a truck stops (also front page news worthy but at least I'm not dragging Monkey out in the rain). Two men hop out and offer their help pushing me out. I almost cried. I am so grateful to them for helping a stranger on a dark stormy night.

So now I'm mad. Rogers and blackberry tell me my phone is fine but the one time I need it for an emergency its fucking useless. This happens all the time with this phone. How can this be "fine"???

I will never trust a blackberry or rogers again. If we had gone off the road into ditch and been injured we would have been in trouble.

I love BBM but I'm swapping to anything but a blackberry and anyone but rogers as soon as I can. I recommend you do the same.

Depression: Truth In Words

I have severe depression. No I am not just over-dramatically sad sometimes. I am not an attention seeker. I have a diagnosed mental illness that will require medication for the rest of my life.

Telling me to "cheer up", "look at all you have" or "tomorrow will be better" isn't going to change anything. Using "tough love" and telling me to "pull it together" or "stop being dramatic" also isn't going to change anything. You can't talk me into being happy.

Depression is not an emotion.

Though depression manifests as a complex series of emotions, it is not. It is an illness.

When I am in the midst of a depressive episode I can not see the forest for the trees. I feel like I am being crushed from the inside out. My thoughts and emotions are irrational. I am full of self-doubt and loathing. The chemicals in my brain no longer function properly and often leave me a sad trembling ball of hatred.

Depression can take on so many physical characteristics. The worst of which for me is the feeling that I can not function within my body. I stop eating, sleep more then I am awake and get severe headaches and body pains.

Sadly another manifestation of my personal depression is that I self-harm. I am lucky enough to be able to control it now, I have managed to keep my thoughts rational enough to prevent causing myself harm. I often do this by venting. Instead of turning inward, I turn outward. Most people don't understand this at all. They see it as drama. They see it as attention seeking. They dont see it as a safe substitution to cutting, drinking, or pill popping.

Though my issues are very real, I take them to a place far beyond what they need to be, seeing situations through desperate eyes and a heavy heart. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, only blackness. During my down times I dont have many choices that I am capable of making. If my mind had it's way I'd shut the door, sit in the dark, listen to angst filled music and get drunk while cutting myself. THIS is where I am given my only choice.

Even in complete darkness we are given choices.

I choose not to cut.

I choose to take care of my child.

I choose to cry, vent and sleep my way through the pain.

I choose to survive.

It has taken me years to get to this point. Many people will never get to this point. The demons are often stronger then the will to survive. I have lost friends to all the demons. Alcohol, drugs, self-destruction and suicide.

Reading back this all sounds so hard, clinical, emotionless. Here's the boiled down version...

I didn't choose to have depression. I didn't choose to have social anxiety issues. I don't know why I have them, what causes them or if they will ever go away. What I do know is that I hurt. I hurt from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Anyone who doesn't believe we have a soul, is wrong. I know this because I feel mine, in the absolute depths of my despair, I can feel it. It's worse then heartache, worse then loneliness, worse then any other pain I have felt.

It. Fucking. Hurts.

No one is perfect. We all have issues and demons to battle. Mine are demons in my head. I quell them with medication and time. I dont judge your demons, don't judge mine.

To paraphrase, "There but for the grace of a higher power, go I."

This is Me

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” - Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011

Rebutting My Own Life

I don't usually rebut my own posts, but after some emails I have decided to clear up a few things about my life and the system.

- My daughter does not want or need for anything. She is never without food or clothing or a roof over her head. I would sell everything I owned and body parts to make sure this didn't change.

- I have been very busy and out a lot lately. My daughters new found attachment to me has more to do with being at daycare full time then me being out after shes already gone to bed. The few times I have been away multiple nights, she has been with family who love her and whom she loves.

- When I say "If I stay home I will die" this isn't me exaggerating to make a point. I have a severe anxiety disorder that if I allowed myself to stay home I wouldn't leave. My agoraphobia would kick back in and spiral me into a massive depressive episode that would no doubt end badly.

- The amount of money I spend going out in a a week is probably much much less then people think. I am lucky enough to have wonderful friends and a good nose for coupons.

- My monthly bills are 80% based on income. I have been blessed enough to have geared to income housing, different subsidies and discounts. This is wonderful however its also a curse. Currently I can scrape by on my $1000 a month income. If I were to get a job, the ones I would qualify for would be at minimum wage or just above. This would raise my income. A raise in my income would also mean a raise in my bills and cost of living. It would actually leave me worse off then I am now, and not with my Monkey as much as I am now, and I would be unhappy - All The Time.

- My #1 priority in my life is my Daughter. Beyond her physical needs, I am desperate to show her that the world is a wonderful place with amazing people. That dreams come true and good things happen to good people.

- I appreciate all the love and encouragement I get. The wishes and love and support. I also appreciate the realism. The contrary thoughts and opinions. They make me re-evaluate my thought patterns, often pushing me in new directions or past the point of where I thought I could go.

- I have a mental disorder. I have multiple mental disorders actually. I deal daily. I push through daily. I have some days that are god awful and I question everything I have done in my lif4e and wonder if the space I occupy could be better used by someone else. It happens. I will tweet, facebook, blog about it. This isnt going to change.

I am more then willing to answer any questions about my life. I don't live in the shadows. I applaud those willing to step up and put their thoughts out that might be against the grain of the popular opinion, I am one of those people. However if you're going to contact me anonymously and bash me, please be aware that next time I will post your email. I think the world should know your opinion. If you have the balls to be an asshole, please do so in public, I'd hate to be the only one to know of your unique "gift".

Falling Apart

*Sigh*

I have spent so much time thinking the past week that I think I've made up for not having graduated high school. I wish this was a happy go lucky post about the joy I got from Blissdom, and that will come, I promise. This is just more important right now.

This is the post wear I'm going to put my soul on the line. The post where I'm not going to hide what I'm going through. The post where I will potentially alienate people. Fuck.

Let's start at the beginning. I am a fraud a huge fraud. I spend my days making people smile and helping people, I come home and cry. I come home and fall apart. I am horribly horribly depressed, fairly heavily medicated and the exact opposite of what most people see.

I give away money every day, I fund raise and fight for people who can't fight for themselves. I wake up every morning not knowing if my lights will turn on or if my phone is still working. It's so ridiculous, its laughable. Laughable if I wasn't so busy bawling my face off. I sit in my car every day when I get home and cry. I avoid going into my home as long as possible. my home is the reality of the sadness of my life.

So many people spend time telling me I have such a light and such potential and they see such great things for me. I have no idea how to get those great things. People are trying to help me but I don't comprehend shit. I don't get it. And everything takes so much time.

I broke down at Blissdom so many times. In the Social Media for Social Good panel I asked how I can live my dream, not sacrifice my happiness and still feed my family and cried. I curled up in my bed and questioned what I was thinking spending money on a conference when I should have been paying bills. I listened to panels talk, knowing many of these people believed in me and wanted the best for me but I honestly had no idea why.

No. Idea. Why.

I'm just a poor girl with a big fucking dream and nothing else. Nothing. Else.

I've done everything people say to do. I try hard, I work hard, I take opportunities, I ask for help and yet I'm not moving forward. I can't keep doing this. It's killing me. I'm falling apart. Losing my mind. Ready to give up completely.

I've gotten so behind that I don't know where to start. I try to function and fail. I only feel human when Im surrounded by people, yet ironically have severe social anxiety issues. People like to inject themselves into my life and make comments about my going out when I "claim" broke. I go out because if I stayed home I would die. My soul would die. I need to be inspired and feel the light of other people in order to even bother making myself get out of bed in the morning.

I need a miracle that isn't coming.

I would rather be happy and poor then have money and hate myself. Not following my dreams feels like slow suicide. Not being able to pay my bills feels like slow suicide. My whole life feels like slow suicide right now. A disease with no cure and no matter which path I take the end result is the same.

Brain Gone Mush

The past three weeks I have had probably close to 90298432 blog posts float through my head. Sadly none of them have made it here.

17 days.

It has been 17 days since my life was turned upside down and inside out.

17 days ago I was just a girl telling a story.

Today I am an organizer of a philanthropic kindness organization that is blowing up effectively making me the worlds poorest philanthropist.

I am a professional woman attending conferences, receiving job offers and requests to come speak at events.

I have people standing behind me, pushing me, supporting me, advising me.

Im working constantly, sleeping rarely and keeping up with my house work, never.

I am talking to designers, PR firms, web gurus, and friends.

I feel like i'm finally going to change the world.

Why do I feel like I am saving the world and can't save myself?

Why does everyone have such faith in me and what I'm doing and yet my personal life is not getting any better.

If in less then 3 weeks I can start changing the world and accomplish so much, then why am I still penny pinching for food and diapers? Why can't I keep up on my own home? Why do I feel like I'm not giving my daughter enough?

How the hell am I supposed to make this work?

I am so blessed and fucked at the same time. Its like that feeling when you're drinking that you know you're having a great time but you also know the next day is gonna hurt.