Oh The Irony...

I've been uber reluctant to talk about this. I know, me, reluctant to talk about something, seems strange right? Yeah well... sometimes even I have things I don't talk about. Many people know the surface of my life, not many people know past that.

Most people know I spend a lot of time talking about homelessness and over coming it and supporting the homeless. With 50 teens 4 Christmas, speaking engagements and now my work with the Human Services Advisory Committee, I spend a lot of my time trying to end homelessness through awareness. Awareness of mental health issues, poverty issues, family issues and housing issues.

I don't know if you would call it irony or hypocrisy or dumbassery but I am back on the edge of homelessness and I'm ready to fall apart. Define edge you say? A lot of us are one cheque from homelessness. Me? 80 hours. In 80 hours I will have a date and time to be out of my home.

I've been living in subsidised housing for a little over 3 years now. Missing paperwork has resulted in me losing my subsidy. I don't know if I lost them or my superintendent lost them but all of that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that my rent is now 6X more then I'm used to. I don't even bring in enough now to pay rent and hydro/water/phone.

So I've spent the last month-ish talking to community organizations, selling things, looking to find a loan, trying to find a job... anything to try and fix this. Nothing has worked. Calls gone unanswered, emails unreturned and "no"s at every turn. Monday is a last ditch meeting with my landlord to try and work something out, my hopes are not high.

Nothing right now is high.

I feel about the size of an ant.

I've failed my baby. When we left the shelter in Ottawa I swore I would do whatever it took to never be that far down again. That she would always have a home and food and feel safe. I have failed her so much. I feel like I don't deserve the beautiful, sweet little girl who is sleeping less then 20 feet from me. Sleeping innocently, completely unaware of what is about to happen.

I am terrified. I can't sleep. I am having anxiety attacks daily.

I don't know what I am going to do.

I will do whatever is best for Monkey. Whatever that is.

Hug your kids. Thank your higher power for the roof over your head. Appreciate everything.


  1. I have no words to help you feel better. Just know that I am thinking of you, sending positive thought, and keeping faith that this will be resolved in your favour

  2. I wish I could hug you. I have tears as I read this post. You are a strong, strong woman. you will get through this hurdle. Remember you are loved and there is a large group here to support you.

  3. I am tempted to suggest going back to school (college). Get OSAP. They will give you money for school and living expenses. You will qualify for subsidy again too. See if you qualify for the Second Career option too (that is the best option. I didn't qualify for it though). I just did this. I went back to college Full Time with 2 kids. We survived and the OSAP was a huge help. I am now qualified for jobs paying about $13-17 more per hour than I was 2 years ago. It is a way to tie you over for a few years, but better than that it puts you in a better position after that because you can look for better jobs. You will have resources for just about anything included to from fitness to counciling to career support. You can start as soon as September which isn't that far away. Look now because if you need any bridging courses or anything you can start that in April. Go Full Time and OSAP will help you.

    If not school then find out how you fix your housing subsidy issue. There has to be a way to fix it or get an affordable plan worked out.

    And you do deserve your beautiful baby. You don't deserve the struggles, but you are not alone. Many people face what you are facing. So have a good cry, then pick yourself up and focus on finding solutions. You will find one.

    Also, everyone who you see doing 'well' has struggles too. They have been helped along the way to (no matter how much they think they did it alone). Everyone accepts a little help whether it's help writing a resume, or help with a loan, or help with networking. Help is ok and don't be afraid to accept help that comes your way.

  4. I think Party At Your Place's emphasis on your continuing to ask for help and seek solutions is very sound. Above all, you DO deserve your daughter and her love. She would rather be with you than anywhere else, regardless of most circumstances. Keep being a great mom to her, in whatever situation that might be. People do care, they are sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. Don't give up: take deep breaths and try again to seek assistance, ask for what you need.


Lord knows I have an opinion, you should have one too!