Most people know I spend a lot of time talking about homelessness and over coming it and supporting the homeless. With 50 teens 4 Christmas, speaking engagements and now my work with the Human Services Advisory Committee, I spend a lot of my time trying to end homelessness through awareness. Awareness of mental health issues, poverty issues, family issues and housing issues.
I don't know if you would call it irony or hypocrisy or dumbassery but I am back on the edge of homelessness and I'm ready to fall apart. Define edge you say? A lot of us are one cheque from homelessness. Me? 80 hours. In 80 hours I will have a date and time to be out of my home.
I've been living in subsidised housing for a little over 3 years now. Missing paperwork has resulted in me losing my subsidy. I don't know if I lost them or my superintendent lost them but all of that is irrelevant. What is relevant is that my rent is now 6X more then I'm used to. I don't even bring in enough now to pay rent and hydro/water/phone.
So I've spent the last month-ish talking to community organizations, selling things, looking to find a loan, trying to find a job... anything to try and fix this. Nothing has worked. Calls gone unanswered, emails unreturned and "no"s at every turn. Monday is a last ditch meeting with my landlord to try and work something out, my hopes are not high.
Nothing right now is high.
I feel about the size of an ant.
I've failed my baby. When we left the shelter in Ottawa I swore I would do whatever it took to never be that far down again. That she would always have a home and food and feel safe. I have failed her so much. I feel like I don't deserve the beautiful, sweet little girl who is sleeping less then 20 feet from me. Sleeping innocently, completely unaware of what is about to happen.
I am terrified. I can't sleep. I am having anxiety attacks daily.
I don't know what I am going to do.
I will do whatever is best for Monkey. Whatever that is.
Hug your kids. Thank your higher power for the roof over your head. Appreciate everything.