Just When You Thought You Knew Everything

So there isn't much I shy away from talking about in the relative safety of my internet bubble. Homelessness, depression, anxiety, suicide, heartbreak, love, family... I'm what can be defined as an open book. But we all have our secrets.

My secret is embarrassing, shameful and not even my closest friends know. My therapist however, after hearing my stories of love and support thinks that being open about my issues will help me. She likes you people.

I have a 5 seater car, until last week it sat 2, me and one other person. And not comfortably.

I have a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. Only one bathroom is used and really neither bedroom should be.

Part of my anxiety disorder has caused a hoarding compulsion.

I am a hoarder.

Now, to be straight, I am not like those people on A&E who live in a house filled to the rafters, have dead animals buried under newspaper and are "collecting" jars or dolls or books or old medical specimens. I have floor and know what it looks like in most rooms (all but mine actually). I am however, chronically disorganized and have a very hard time getting rid of things.

My house is stacked full of stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff, stuff I have forgotten exists, Stuff.

I am paranoid when it comes to getting rid of things. After being homeless and losing everything, letting go of things feels near impossible. I worry what would happen if I needed something I got rid of and couldn't replace it again. Even ridiculous things like clothes my daughter has outgrown, dollar store items that are broken or of no use anymore, things that i'm not sure where they came from or what they were for but I must have gotten for a reason so I can't let go.

What I didn't realize entirely until the last month or so is how much this impacts every aspect of my life. I don't use my kitchen. This is an expensive and inconvenient problem. Monkey isn't home 2 meals a day during the week, so during the day I just don't eat. After I pick her up we go to the grocery store or a restaurant and get what we need for the night. Constantly buying small amounts of food is so expensive, sometimes I just buy for her and I skip dinner too. Weekends and some evenings were not home as much as possible, we eat at my mums or friends or eat out. I spend a lot of my time planning how not to be home.

Until this week, no one but myself and the Monkey had been in my house in over a year. I'd just say our house was too small, or point out that it was out of the way for people to come to our place out of town, or just flat out say no. I would tell people my house looked as if a tornado came through and they would laugh and say "Oh mine too" and I would laugh along because they had no idea.

This week I got notices from my building that it was inspection time of year and that they would be coming to do inspections for damages and to check safety equipment. I panicked. I have spent most of the week having full blown anxiety attacks and throwing up and twitching from stress. (Did I mention my doc changed my meds last week? I'm sure that isn't helping.) Completely incapable of even starting to correct the situation.

My amazing boyfriend cleaned out my car last week and I had admitted to him that my house and my car were pretty much the same. I tried to get through to him the severity of the issue without causing him to run screaming for the hills. Somehow I was convinced (still not sure how, part of me thinks voodoo was involved) to let him help me. Armed with garbage bags, cleaning supplies and more paper towel then you can shake a stick at, I took him to my house. He took a look around and said "Let's get started". No shame, no badgering, no attempt at therapy, just let's get started. It was exactly what I needed. Someone to tell me what to do and when to do it. It's not that i'm incapable of doing the work, its that I have become so overwhelmed by it that I have no idea what to do. I needed someone to take charge and I needed to not be alone doing it.

In two hours of work we filled 7 garbage bags of junk, 4 bags of donations and did a rough sort of the things I planned on keeping. All this was solely in the front hall and kitchen. There were clothes I forgot I owned, things I didn't remember buying and garbage, just hoards and hoards of garbage. Garbage and shame. Every time we would uncover another bag I forgot about, there was more shame. I had become so accustomed to not being able to find things that I just would replace them, which just added more and more stuff to the already unmanageable amount of stuff I owned.

Hoarding is a vicious circle.

Thursday they are supposed to be coming to do the inspection, tonight I'm making an incredibly hard call to see if I can postpone a week so that I have a chance to make changes and hopefully clear out some things, make space and find the home amongst the mess. Tonight I am also formulating a plan. Last night I tried just diving in and ended up a puking, crying mess on the floor who accomplished nothing but upsetting myself into a massive panic attack. I am making check lists for every room, breaking the tasks down to their simplest, smallest element. I am preparing myself to walk in and work.

I know this is a problem, I don't enjoy living this way and I know the Monkey deserves better. This sets me apart from most hoarders. I want to change. I just need help. So tomorrow I'm going to try. I can't make promises I can't keep, especially to myself, but I can try.

Porn On The Radio - *UPDATE*

I heard from Scot Turner the Program Manager at 91.5 The Beat;

Hi, Jodi? I believe it is? This is Scot Turner - Program Director for 91.5 The Beat. I have been in Toronto since yesterday and only heard of this issue late this morning when it was brought to my attention. I can assure you that I am now looking into the issues you speak of in your blog and will address and comment on them when I have had the time to properly assess all points and views of these matters. Thank you. Scot Turner If you wish you can contact me directly at Scot.turner@corusent.com

I have to say I am so impressed with Scots willingness to address this situation in the public eye of my blog. I look forward to having the matter addressed. Thank you to Elle Dee for bringing my post to his attention.

Mistakes happen, its how you deal with them that matters. I really hope that they re-think some of their advertising and are careful about what makes it on the air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, apparently my last post got a few people hot under the collar, though I received a lot of positive comments, I did get one rather grumpy message I'd like to respond to.

"you need to get a life. If you don't want your 3 yr old to listen then shut
off the radio and play with him instead. I enjoy listening to the beat on my
drive home every day."

- Barb (barbf1975@hotmail.com)

Well Barb, thanks for your email. Just a few things I wanted to address.

1. With sponsors and advertisers such as Offspring Baby and The Baby Depot, one would expect that they could allow their children to listen to the radio.

2. I have yet to master the art of playing with my DAUGHTER while driving the car. If you have any tips I would love to hear them.

3. The Beat plays locally in MANY restaurants, offices and retail stores. If I had been at work and my employer had heard that on the radio my job would be at risk, not to mention my customers.

4. I'm glad you enjoy listening to The Beat, I also enjoy listening to The Beat or I wouldn't have been listening when the offensive clip came on.

Thanks Again Barb, Have a great day!

To those who are now trolling my blog, please note, any comments left anonymously in a negative manner will probably be deleted. Not because your opinion doesn't matter, not even because you're being nasty, but because I don't believe in hiding inside the internet. If you want to be an ass, grow a pair and put your name on your words.

Porn On The Radio

I'm no prude, anyone who knows me would probably laugh if I tried to tell them I was. Today however, I was flat out shocked by my local radio station, shocked and then pissed right off.

Listening to Mike Devine on 91.5 the Beat this afternoon I was flabbergasted to suddenly be hearing what I can only assume was an adult joke recording, being played. The "joke", which ran about a minute or two, was basically a telephone directory menu for sex tips. "If you like anal sex, bend over and press the pound key" - a quote from the clip, and actually one of the better quotes that I could be posting.

Numerous inquiries were made by numerous people via Facebook and twitter and 91.5 the Beat ignored them. Not only did they ignore them but they deleted the posts from their Facebook page instead of addressing the concerns of their listeners. Mistakes are made, why are they being hidden? A better question might be how does that even happen but I digress.

91.5 The Beat played a overly sexual inappropriate clip live on air during the 5 o'clock hour on a Friday afternoon and then ignored the concerns of their listeners.

This is just the straw that broke the camels back for the non-music portions of 91.5 the Beats airings lately. Currently they are running an ad spot for Fusion Fitness that is basically telling people it's better to be stupid than fat. Those are words straight from the ad. Another ad they have running a man exclaims "Crap" very distinctly, guess what my three year old does now too?

I'm not sure who is in charge of their ads, their air time or their content but they are failing their job miserably in my opinion by not thinking about who their listeners are lately. Then to completely dismiss and delete listener comments about something that was found to be offensive is just disrespectful.

It's bad business practice, 91.5 The Beat. I'm saddened by how they are choosing to deal with this situation. When your customers are asking questions and concerned, making them disappear is not they way to handle it. This could have been an easy pr fix by admitting a mistake and apologizing. Now it's created a situation where people are talking and telling their friends about how they mishandled the concerns of their listeners.

I'm not normally one to make a fuss about a mistake, but the unwillingness to admit to the mistake and the backhanded slap to the face deletion of questions about what happened bothers me.

To file a complaint to the CBSC (Canadian Broadcast Standards Counsel) about today's incident on CKBT-FM 91.5 The Beat you can fill out a two minute form here:

http://www.cbsc.ca/english/complaint/form.php

I really hope The Beat chooses to address this issue and apologize to its listeners.

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

I am.

I realized today I fear many things.

These fears have caused me to do things and not do other things that have made me miss out on a big chunk of what I think life is about, happiness.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words to describe this. I know, shocking and no I don't have a fever. Its just such an overwhelming feeling right now.

I'm used to being a fuck up. Or in more polite terms, I'm used to living at the short end of the stick. Being at the bottom is safe. You know whats going to happen. There is no chance of failure if you can't get down any farther.

I came home from therapy today with this giant epiphany. That I needed to stop fucking myself over, that I have so much I can do, that I need to stop focusing on the things that might happen and just go for it. As I'm blurting out this huge moment I had, my partner looks at me and says "Well you have been working at sabotaging this.".

OMFG He was right and I didn't even realise. Sabotage. Its what I do best. Relationships, finances, acceptance, success, I have in some way sabotaged all of them subconsciously. I have let my fear take my opportunities and find a way to destroy them right in front of me and I didn't even notice. I didn't just fear other peoples judgements or thoughts, I feared my own. Instead of facing those fears and saying "Hey! I'm willing to work past this" I would find the easiest way to escape the situation, whatever it may be.

For the simple fact that it's right in front of me, lets use my current relationship as an example.

3 weeks ago-ish my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. Sweat pants, chick flicks, bottom of the wine bottle devastated. I was surrounded luckily by some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. One of those friends was new, and god love him, he got to know broken down doll Jodi at the peak of sobbing snot season as his first real in depth look.

You know when you start checking your phone for messages you HOPE are there? Ever had those messages be there Every. Single. Time? Well there they were there. I convinced myself I was reading into that. "He's chatty, he knows I need a shoulder. He's humouring the heartbreak kid." - SABOTAGE

Several giggle filled coffees later, I get a vibe like some things up. So I poke the bear. "What's wrong? Something seems off. Everything ok?" - I'm not good at letting sleeping dogs lie. So finally he says, "I want to take you out, on a date.". Stutter, blush... DOUBT. BOOM I fly into "rebound" mode. People can smell the vulnerability from a mile away right? And all men interested in a girl who has just had her heart broken are only after one thing... I thought. My brain starts screaming "RUN! There is no way a person actually likes you right now Snoterella McRandomSob.". - SABOTAGE

Well praying on my vulnerability or not, I liked our time together and had a hollow ache that wasn't so painful when I was distracted so I agreed. Well to make what could be a long story short, what I thought he was probably interested in was not even close to the truth. I started watching his interactions with other people, (including his neighbour friend who "nonchalantly" wandered past his apartment window to try and get a glimpse of the girl he wouldn't shut up about). Listening to him talk about what he was passionate about. Asking questions. I was dissecting him. Trying to find that flaw, that moment that would tell me what I had already assumed, that he was looking to screw around and TADA there I was. - SABOTAGE

I didn't find the flaw. Now don't get me wrong, the man is in no way flawless. I don't have my rose coloured glasses of perfection on. He just isn't an asshole. If anything I would say I was kept at arms length physically because he knew I was hurting. He got that I was going to need my time and space, but that when I was ready he was here. Well fuck, now he's too perfect. I must have the rose coloured glasses on. I'm obviously seeing things that arn't there and ignoring things deliberately at this point. Yup, I'm crazy and so desperate to be appreciated and feel loved and not alone that I have now turned him into a walking, cooking Ken doll in my head. - SABOTAGE

SO MUCH SELF SABOTAGE!

Are there people out there that sniff out and use people who are at their worst? Yup

Is everyone one of those people? Nope

Do a lot of relationships that start during the "rebound" phase fail? Yup

Does every single one? Nope

Am I a "relationship hopper" going from one relationship, to another quickly? Not usually

Does it mean it can't happen AND end well? Nope

Does the "R" word scare the shit out of me? Yup

Does it need to? Nope

So as I'm sitting in therapy today dissecting and being neurotic about the boy and what I want my therapist asks me "So, what would happen if you told him you needed a few more weeks to grieve and heal?". Possibly the first thing I have said with complete surety about the whole thing fell out of my mouth - "He would say, call me when you're ready. Take the time you need."

Her reply? "So, where's the problem?"

Where's the problem.

Like a ton of bricks.

Where's the problem?

It all hit me in that moment. I'm so busy dissecting every aspect of my life that I create problems to sabotage myself. I am so scared of what might happen that I'm not letting anything happen. I'm not letting myself enjoy moments and opportunities. I have gotten so caught up in my own head that I'm not letting myself be happy.

Some things are too good to be true. There's no Nigerian prince who wants to give me his fortune. I didn't win an iPad being the 8943652 person on a website. Some things though deserve a chance to exist and create happiness.

So I have made a decision.

For today, I'm just going to be happy.

I'm not going to create issues where no issues exist.

I am going to take the energy I spent fearing the "what ifs" and use it to create "why nots".

Because... Why not?