I realized today I fear many things.
These fears have caused me to do things and not do other things that have made me miss out on a big chunk of what I think life is about, happiness.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words to describe this. I know, shocking and no I don't have a fever. Its just such an overwhelming feeling right now.
I'm used to being a fuck up. Or in more polite terms, I'm used to living at the short end of the stick. Being at the bottom is safe. You know whats going to happen. There is no chance of failure if you can't get down any farther.
I came home from therapy today with this giant epiphany. That I needed to stop fucking myself over, that I have so much I can do, that I need to stop focusing on the things that might happen and just go for it. As I'm blurting out this huge moment I had, my partner looks at me and says "Well you have been working at sabotaging this.".
OMFG He was right and I didn't even realise. Sabotage. Its what I do best. Relationships, finances, acceptance, success, I have in some way sabotaged all of them subconsciously. I have let my fear take my opportunities and find a way to destroy them right in front of me and I didn't even notice. I didn't just fear other peoples judgements or thoughts, I feared my own. Instead of facing those fears and saying "Hey! I'm willing to work past this" I would find the easiest way to escape the situation, whatever it may be.
For the simple fact that it's right in front of me, lets use my current relationship as an example.
3 weeks ago-ish my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. Sweat pants, chick flicks, bottom of the wine bottle devastated. I was surrounded luckily by some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. One of those friends was new, and god love him, he got to know broken down doll Jodi at the peak of sobbing snot season as his first real in depth look.
You know when you start checking your phone for messages you HOPE are there? Ever had those messages be there Every. Single. Time? Well there they were there. I convinced myself I was reading into that. "He's chatty, he knows I need a shoulder. He's humouring the heartbreak kid." - SABOTAGE
Several giggle filled coffees later, I get a vibe like some things up. So I poke the bear. "What's wrong? Something seems off. Everything ok?" - I'm not good at letting sleeping dogs lie. So finally he says, "I want to take you out, on a date.". Stutter, blush... DOUBT. BOOM I fly into "rebound" mode. People can smell the vulnerability from a mile away right? And all men interested in a girl who has just had her heart broken are only after one thing... I thought. My brain starts screaming "RUN! There is no way a person actually likes you right now Snoterella McRandomSob.". - SABOTAGE
Well praying on my vulnerability or not, I liked our time together and had a hollow ache that wasn't so painful when I was distracted so I agreed. Well to make what could be a long story short, what I thought he was probably interested in was not even close to the truth. I started watching his interactions with other people, (including his neighbour friend who "nonchalantly" wandered past his apartment window to try and get a glimpse of the girl he wouldn't shut up about). Listening to him talk about what he was passionate about. Asking questions. I was dissecting him. Trying to find that flaw, that moment that would tell me what I had already assumed, that he was looking to screw around and TADA there I was. - SABOTAGE
I didn't find the flaw. Now don't get me wrong, the man is in no way flawless. I don't have my rose coloured glasses of perfection on. He just isn't an asshole. If anything I would say I was kept at arms length physically because he knew I was hurting. He got that I was going to need my time and space, but that when I was ready he was here. Well fuck, now he's too perfect. I must have the rose coloured glasses on. I'm obviously seeing things that arn't there and ignoring things deliberately at this point. Yup, I'm crazy and so desperate to be appreciated and feel loved and not alone that I have now turned him into a walking, cooking Ken doll in my head. - SABOTAGE
SO MUCH SELF SABOTAGE!
Are there people out there that sniff out and use people who are at their worst? Yup
Is everyone one of those people? Nope
Do a lot of relationships that start during the "rebound" phase fail? Yup
Does every single one? Nope
Am I a "relationship hopper" going from one relationship, to another quickly? Not usually
Does it mean it can't happen AND end well? Nope
Does the "R" word scare the shit out of me? Yup
Does it need to? Nope
So as I'm sitting in therapy today dissecting and being neurotic about the boy and what I want my therapist asks me "So, what would happen if you told him you needed a few more weeks to grieve and heal?". Possibly the first thing I have said with complete surety about the whole thing fell out of my mouth - "He would say, call me when you're ready. Take the time you need."
Her reply? "So, where's the problem?"
Where's the problem.
Like a ton of bricks.
Where's the problem?
It all hit me in that moment. I'm so busy dissecting every aspect of my life that I create problems to sabotage myself. I am so scared of what might happen that I'm not letting anything happen. I'm not letting myself enjoy moments and opportunities. I have gotten so caught up in my own head that I'm not letting myself be happy.
Some things are too good to be true. There's no Nigerian prince who wants to give me his fortune. I didn't win an iPad being the 8943652 person on a website. Some things though deserve a chance to exist and create happiness.
So I have made a decision.
For today, I'm just going to be happy.
I'm not going to create issues where no issues exist.
I am going to take the energy I spent fearing the "what ifs" and use it to create "why nots".
Because... Why not?