JLo, Oprah and the $10 Tattoo

Fireworks. All I can say about this week is, Fireworks. It's been a beautiful, shocking, stunning week and it's only Tuesday!

~ Picture drawn by me today in art therapy

Anyone can read about yesterdays fantastic CAS news on my post yesterday, its all gone up from there. 

This morning I headed out to an appointment I made quite awhile ago for a tattoo when things were a bit better financially. I had a gift card that had been travelling around in my wallet and thought "Well, I may as well go and hope for the best. Worst that happens is I do the outline and no shading and go back". Turns out the best was great! Watching the clock the whole time, we got going and 45 minutes from walking in the door it was done. I actually didn't believe him. I was shocked. It was so fast! And Gord was amazing. Super light hand (anyone with tattoos knows how important that is). So... $10 later I had my newest tattoo. I love it. I can't wait to have my bird added to it! This is one of my favorite songs, as well as my motto for my anxiety. I just need to Let It Be.

While I'm sitting in the tattoo chair, I was checking my email and there it was. An email from the casting director for an unnamed documentary on the Oprah Winfrey Network asking me to be in Toronto tomorrow. Me. Oprah Network. Me. I was lucky enough to have met Andrea Syrtash, the host, at last weeks #140NYC conference meet-up in Toronto and she passed my info on to casting. The episode is about triumphs and failures (both of which I have many of lol). So in the morning i'll be off to shoot. HOLY CRAP!

Driving home on my tattoo/Oprah high I'm listening to our local radio radio station, about 30 seconds from my house they did a "ticket ambush". A ticket ambush is where you show up somewhere in town where the DJ is and they give you concert tickets. It happens that they were at their radio station about 4 minutes from my house. I figured, what the hell and off I went to the radio station to see if I could maybe get lucky, again. I did. I hit the station first and not only got to see my buddy Sylvan, I won 2 tickets to see JLo and Enrique Iglasias in Toronto. Again... HOLY CRAP! (I'm taking my friend Kinga who was more excited then me winning at me asking her to go. It was awesome :D)

Ok, so I've now gotten lucky 3 times in one day and thought half jokingly, I should buy a lotto ticket. Well I had to stop at the corner store anyway so I did buy a scratch ticket... and won $10! Uh hello? My luck just made my tattoo essentially free. 

Yes... I'm feeling stunned and amazed right now. And blessed, so so blessed.  Coming up I have the documentary shoot tomorrow, and events leading up to #140confNYC State Of Now conference, Latitudes festival, JLo concert and so much more. My friend Jacki said to me "it feels like it could be a shift" and I agree. I am going to grab these opportunities and hang on tight. I'm ready. 

All the work I've been doing myself, in therapy, in group... I am ready. There will still be days that my anxiety takes over. There will still be days when I'm depressed. Mental illness doesn't just go away because life gets better, but I will hold on to the feelings I'm having right now to try and keep myself grounded and moving forward. Perhaps now is my time. 

Now Is My Time.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a whirl wind couple of weeks. HO-LY Shit. Up, down, up, down.

The Good:

The generosity of virtual strangers saved my home. 48 hours of support from twitter followers and I had the money I needed to pay off my landlord. I dont know how I'm ever going to thank those people enough. How do you thank people for miracles? I cried. It took me hours to process the fact that it happened. Ok, more than hours, days. I'm still in shock. My faith in humanity is being restored. Its an amazing feeling.

With my house saved and working my ass off on my house (along side some amazing friends), CAS is closing my file. I found out today. I'm thrilled. Less than 2 weeks and they're already closing the file. Hard work, therapy and honesty brought me so so far. I'm thrilled. My baby is going to be with me, where she belongs. I really have no idea how to thank the universe for sending me the people, the strength, the right situations to make all of this happen.

The Bad:

I've learned who my friends are. There were a few people that got their back up over my situation and how I chose to deal with it. However I wasn't going to leave people working on my behalf without putting some effort in myself. Was all of this my own fault? Yes. Is my baby with me? Yes. Do we have a home? Yes. Do I regret how any of this happened? Hell no. I needed a sign that life was worth being a part of, that people were good at the core, that I wasn't just treading water but never moving forward.

The Ugly:

I never realised how much jealousy and hatred sits just under the surface. Disguised as "tough love" or "reality" sometimes people just come across mean. We shouldn't be kicking people when they're down for any reason. No matter how much you know or don't know about a person, their struggles are as hard as the next persons. Am I perfect? No. Am I trying? Yes. If you don't like how I'm living my life, you don't need to be involved. No one forces friendship, friendship is the most amazing thing that allows us to choose our extended family. Bringing other people down is never necessary.


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This whole experience has changed the way I look at the world. I'm amazed by people and the world again. I faced my worst nightmare and felt less alone at that moment then I have in months. There is nothing that can't be accomplished with a little love and support.

The Fight

So I screwed up... Going to make a long story short but here it is...

Awhile back there was a paperwork kerfuffle with my housing. Could have been me, could have been them, doesn't matter now, but it caused me to lose my subsidy for 3 months. This upped my rent to 7x more then I normally pay. Obviously I didn't have that kind of money.

We went to the housing tribunal and I managed to make arrangements to make up the back rent and get my subsidy back. However it was not retroactive so I still owed $2000+ to be paid back in monthly payments.

Last month I missed my payment. Things were hectic, my anxiety was insane and I didn't have it by the time I remembered it.

My landlord filed to have me evicted.

Successfully.

Unless I came up with the full back rent by first thing Friday morning. 3 days to come up with $1900 or the sheriff is at my door.

On top of that, the landlord called CAS and told them I was being evicted and not a safe parent. After speaking to CAS and having them in my home, my parenting is not in question however the looming eviction still makes it a possibility that they will take my Monkey from me.

My beautiful, sweet Monkey.

I am fighting. Calls are being made and I'm working my ass off to get this fixed.

This is my fault. I don't blame anyone else. I fucked up. Now I have to fix it.

I hit twitter and cried and fell apart. Realizing I needed help people joined together and are trying to help me. It took a lot from me to admit I needed help. I want to help people, not have people help me. That's in my blood, it's hard to become the helpee when you're the helper. I'm still working through the emotions of it all.

I'm scared.

Absolutely terrified. Being homeless again would be awful but losing my baby would end me. She is everything to me.

So I need good vibes right now. All the positive thoughts and love you can muster. A few of my friends have started a grassroots campaign via twitter to raise the money I need. I don't even know how I'm going to thank them. I would be so lost without them.

If you can/want to help, people are sending e-transfers to pillowmonkey@gmail.com because it's the fastest way to transfer money.

Donations are great, I appreciate them so much but your love is just as if not more important. You all read my blog and hold my hand through my ups and downs. My desperate attempts to keep my head in one piece. I can't even fathom my life without this space of healing and love. Even when I'm at my lowest I know I'm safe in this space. I thank you from the bottom of everything I have.

Now... Back to the fight.

**Update** I am actually almost half way to what I need. I am stunned. I will never be able to thank anyone enough.

A Letter From A Broken Heart

I want to preface this by saying this is not a bash or hate mail. This isn't begging and pleading. It's just my head space. Sometimes people, events, life impacts you hard and fast and there's no escaping your feelings and thoughts. Until you find yourself in a position you never know how you're going to react, and this... this is how I am reacting right now. Press play and read.

What did I do?!

What didn't I do?!

What is wrong with me?!

What the FUCK is wrong with me?!

I... I don't even know. Maybe if I had the words to express how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, I wouldn't feel so lost. So empty. So broken.

My heart was broken, I needed a friend, I needed to feel like I wasn't useless, worthless and unattractive. I needed something.

Suddenly there it was in front of me. 

Something amazing, beautiful and incredibly new. I felt like a princess. I felt important. I felt understood. I didn't feel like the freak I normally feel like. I don't even know how to explain it. All the fairy tale moments you picture in your head were happening. So fast I fell. Fast and hard. I was more myself then I ever had been before in front of another person. I was passionate, emotional, completely real. I felt normal. Normal... how I've craved normalcy in my life. 

It wasn't just about me. I had met someone I felt like I meshed with so well. Passion, dreams, emotions. Someone I wanted to watch grow and succeed. I wanted to do anything in my power to make them feel as amazing as they made me feel. 

I opened myself up completely. Things I had never told anyone else. Things I had never shown anyone else. I decided to throw away my habits formed by a history of broken trust and pain. I stood naked, completely vulnerable. We were like kids. Laughing, giggling, making plans like teenagers that had never known heartbreak. We were passionate about our lives, maybe too passionate. We were two sticks of dynamite in a shoebox, occasionally hit by a discarded match.  But we held fire extinguishers at the ready. 

... and then it was done.

I was so upset I was sick. In bed for days. I tried so hard. I wanted it so badly. I wanted you so badly.

I adored you.

Your passion.

Your intelligence. 

Your dreams.

You.

Maybe that was my downfall. 

I certainly didn't think you were perfect, but I thought you were amazing. I thought we were amazing.

So ridiculous that I have been so affected in such a short time. 

To feel so much pain.

To feel so broken.

Even so far as to question myself as a parent. A parent who listens to her baby ask when were going to see you. To play with her friend. To curl up in her first normal family moment and listen to stories. Did I hurt her? Did I make her sad? Did I just give her two more people to miss?


Watching you walk away, it felt like I lost a piece of my soul. The reaction was unexpected and debilitating. I don't know how not to feel with everything I have. My heart is fragile. My soul is sensitive. 

I feel so stupid. 

I feel so naive.

I feel so so broken.

"But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing

And I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough"

                                          Somebody I Used To Know - Gotye