FIRE! HA! Psych!

The alternate title for this post could certainly be "Why I Pee My Pants Once A Month" or even possibly "Oops Your Dead!".
Every month my building runs a fire alarm check, usually mid-morning, usually on a mid-week day. Since I do the whole stay-at-home mom thing and we're NOT morning people, were usually home. So these mornings are like any other mornings until suddenly there is a piercing, earth shattering, high pitched screaming alarm, shrieking its way directly into my brain.

Now in all fairness, there is normally a notice posted about when these alarms will occur, but not always. They're also not always posted in a place everyone looks. For those of us who have lived in the building for years and know the laundry schedules and office hours and emergency contact numbers we don't really have any need to read the superintendents board. Plus I live in a building with lots of kids, who despite being at school when it happens, get some perverse kick out of knowing they took down the warning sign from th
e elevator and half the building jumped out of their skin at 11am.

The problem with this is that I have become accustomed to it, well after the initial blast that is. Being morning nappers, we've actually slept through these alarms on occasion, which could be a bit problematic should there ever be a real fire while were napping.

The first few times I grabbed the baby, a blanket and my keys and phone as I bolted out the door and down the stairs. Without fail i'd get half way down the stairs and the alarm would stop. Panting and sweating from the run and adrenaline, I would drag myself back up the stairs and collapse on the floor.

Now though, I occasionally wait and see if people run screaming from the building. I'm sure were all seeing how this could be an issue. Maybe I should invest in some fire gear, or continue to run down the stairs like a fool once a month.


  1. Julian to Julian.
    Ho's Freedom.

    New Zealand had no birds capable of flight until 134 years after Nicholas Young sighted Aotearoa from Captain Cook's Ship, the Endeavor (arrival in tubs). The first 'birds' capable of flying were piloted by Richard Pearse; an aviation pioneer. It was only after the white man appeared in Aotearoa that "bird baths" became popular. With emphasis on the "became popular" as I did two days ago with the Legal Services Agency what sent me a letter saying I owe them an outstanding debt of $1300 outstanding from a series of court cases which happened between 2008-2009.

    I had been to a gay man's home, a friend of mine, on the night in question and we had a few drinks together. I then wandered up to Karaka Valley Road aka Karangahape Road which is the location of the only gay nightclub where I went. Karangahape Road is the danger zone of Auckland's Youth and the stomping ground of sexual freedom, crackheads, trannies and there are 2 or 3 gay venues down there as well.

    After "Family Bar" shut I went across the road and was standing with 3 males and one Pakeha female. Apparently the woman hoo I didn't know to be an HIV infected prostitute took exception to the way I looked at her and threw 3 empty beer bottles at me. 2 of the bottles hit me on the side. She then tryed to attack me and I backed off staying out of range because I wanted to avoid getting a scratch. I was so angry. I tipped over the 'wheely bin' which was full of empty bottles what had contained beer and alcopop drinks. She then jumped on her mobile phone to call her bully boys hoo turned out to be "huhu grubs" and inform them that a Pakeha man was ready to fight.

    Suffice to say hoo was on the phone to the police as her Maori bois tryed to engage me in a boxing match. If there was an idea I suppose it was to install in me a fear of Maori men. I decided as the foot path was covered in about a thousand empty bottles, it didn't look good and I would be best to wing it, as the police were on their way to back up the Hooker and her Maori bois? Or was hoo being pimped by them? The technology was against me, they had mobiles - I didn't, they had a van - I didn't, they had cohorts, I didn't. I ran away down an alley towards Myer's Park and then up the steps through St Kevin's Arcade. The police caught up with me there and I was cuffed, taken into town and put in a dark cell. They let me go a couple of hours later and in a lame attempt to do 'right' I walked up to K-road and picked up the 1000 empty beer bottles which were still lying on the footpath(putting them into the wheely bin).

  2. I was charged with 'Male assaults Female' and had to appear for a 'depositions hearing' the next morning if I remember correctly. A depositions hearing is when you either plead guilty and receive a sentence without any evidence being presented or if you plead "not guilty" another date is set for the court to argue the matter. This happened sometime in 2008 so my memory of the ensuing procedings after my arrest are a little hazy. As I did plead "not guilty" a new court date was set and in the eyes of the police force indignantly chose to plea not guilty and I foolishly entered into an agreement where I would receive something called "Legal Aid" which I understood to mean I would have a lawyer represent me.

    At my second appearance, to meet the charge of "Male assaults Female", there was some confusion in the court which seemed to be under the misapprehension that I was in a relationship with hoo? I managed to clear this up; that I was not in fact in a relationship with hoo, I think. But who really knows? I don't remember the names of any, nor faces of anyone who was in that court room. Suffice to say that hoo did not turn up to give evidence against me. I estimate it is usually between 4-5 hours in waiting around in the courts on any given day waiting for a charge to be heard. So as hoo the "alleged complainant" did not appear to give evidence against me a new court date was set so that hoo could make her appearance to provide the evidence. That was my second appearance in court to meet the charge of "Male assaults Female" and I had representation from a lawyer. This was in 2008 so I don't remember my lawyer. That I was only reminded today via a phone call with the Legal Services Agency this all happened in 2008.

    A third court date was set and when the day came I was there to meet the charges. I found out my lawyer had been changed. She was a pretty Indian but I don't remember her name because this was 2009 and I'm not half smart, publishing this. So I had a new laywer and hung around the horrid court rooms for 3-4 hours in the lame hope that I might receive justice. Sadly hoo did not appear. Something about a baby was mentioned - apparently someone at the court had contact with hoo via a mobile phone. A new court date was set and I went home.

    I turned up for my fourth appearance in front of the courts and my Lawyer had been changed. Something happened to hoo but I can't be sure; hoo had been struck off perhaps. I don't Wissen the names of any of the players in this game. It was finally decided by the court that the charges "Male assaults Female" were to be dropped and there was no case. Finally the end of the matter circa mid 2009.

    Not so. I have just received a bill from the "Legal Services Agency" dated 18 February 2013. Apparently my file has worked its way to the top of the electronic pile and it is time for me to recognize the financial aspects of this shit.


Lord knows I have an opinion, you should have one too!