An Open Letter To Erica Ehm...

Our eyes met, as our body's were smashed together by the crowd. "Excuse me" I said, "Hey! HEY You!" you replied. I looked at you, knowing who you were, but not processing fast enough (as often happens in a large crowd). I smiled, said "Hi!" and continued through the crowd.

Then it happened.

I realized what just occurred.

HOLY FUCK ERICA EHM KNEW WHO I WAS AND I SMILED AND WALKED AWAY!

Yes, with my usual impeccable timing, I ran into (literally) the woman who I had JUST applied for a job (I really really want *wink wink nudge nudge*) with and who I have admired from afar for a long long time, and I smiled and wandered away.

*Head Desky*

Erica! I swear I know who you are! Founder of the YummyMummyClub.ca, a pioneering VJ from the days when Much Music played actual music, Mom of 2, writer, speaker, Libra... wait why do I know THAT? Moving right along...

Let this be a lesson to you all. You never know who you will run into in a crowd, literally or figuratively. Always have a smile for everyone... EVERYONE! Oh and if you're heading to a meet up for a conference you're attending in your field and you just applied for a job, maybe look into who is going to be at the event. I think it's the Boy Scouts motto that best fits here, "Always Be Prepared".

Why I'm Going To Lose My Womanhood Card (or My Most Un-Popular Opinion Ever)

Friday the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that unconscious women can't consent to sex. My immediate thought? "No shit!"... Except then I actually read why it was up for debate and (let the hate mail begin) I disagree in this case. (Quick synopsis, woman asks to be choked during sex, man agrees, woman loses consciousness, man continues sexual activities.)

So here is why I disagree.

1. The woman didn't report the incident until their relationship broke up and he made an attempt at custody of their child. Now come on woman! That's just a low blow. If he had made a claim of spousal abuse after she tried for custody the whole world would have called bullshit faster then you can say "dirty play".

2. This couple was into a little bondage and s&m, which is totally cool, we've all been there or known someone or whatever. Either way its their choice what they do in the bedroom. So she asks her man to choke her to the point of unconsciousness for her sexual pleasure, ok, fine. Her man agrees, presumably for his own sexual pleasure.

Do we see where I'm going with this folks? At this point I'm making an assumption that she gets off on a little pain. Ever accidentally choked yourself with a scarf in the winter? Its not exactly pain-free. So any way...

Her man decides while she's unconscious to continue their sexual activities. Probably not the brightest thought he's ever had, hell it probably was the stupidest decision he ever made, and I would probably be pissed too if I was her. Obviously I am well aware of the fact that a woman who is out cold can not consent or revoke consent, but come on. This isn't a case of him drugging her and having sex without her knowledge. They were in a sexually consenting relationship, that involved erotic asphyxiation and they were in the process of screwing around. I don't know anyone who is in this kind of relationship (and yes I've known a few) that the woman ASKS to be choked and doesn't expect her man to get off too. Do you think she thought "Oh good, he can choke me until I get off and pass out and then he'll just roll over and go to sleep like a good little puppy". If you are going to ask to get choked, do you not think it would be smart to discuss what is and is not ok for AFTER YOU PASS OUT?!

I am not by any means encouraging anyone to choke their partner and then continue with their own agenda. It's stupid and wrong, but illegal? It's like parachuting and then suing the company you parachuted with because you landed and didn't keep soaring majestically once you decided it was a thrill.

So yeah, Supreme Court of Canada, I know you don't give a damn what I think but I disagree completely with your decision.

General Reading Public, here is my advice to you. If you are engaging in an activity where you might become incapable of voicing an opinion for whatever reason, DISCUSS ALL ASPECTS IN ADVANCE! Hell if you are having sex period, discuss it. If you can have sex you had better damn well be able to talk about it. If you are not comfortable talking about sex and sexual activities, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX. There is a maturity level involved in sexual activity that you need to be able to deal with.

Suddenly I've turned this post into a PSA about safe sexual activities. Reality is though, people don't think about sex enough outside of picturing people naked. So I leave you with my quick list of how to stay safe.

1. Use protection - this should be a no brainer, it's not. Condoms, they arn't just for carrying in your wallet and giggling about.
2. Get tested - How hard is it to get a blood test in between partners? I know I don't feel like getting sick or dying, do you?
3. Talk about sex - Don't be shy, don't be ashamed, don't hold back. You want to be having great sex, you need to talk about it. The good, the bad, the ugly and the "if you do that, you will never touch me again".

Nerves of Jello!

Ever wanted to pee yourself, throw up, cry and laugh hysterically all at the same time?

Yeah... I drowned it all with wine and cake.

Today I applied for a job I've been dreaming about. A job I know I could be happy in. A job that would make me feel like I was making a difference and doing something I could be proud to tell people I do. A job that would show who I am and what I truly am capable of.

There are some days, despite knowing better, I still think of myself as just that drop-out, pregnant life failure I used to be. The person who didn't love myself, never mind care about myself at all. The person who hadn't scratched, clawed and fought her way out of the damn gutter.

I am not that girl any more.

I am a strong woman now. I have worked hard to become more then who she was.

Applying for this job today was exhilarating and proved to me I have grown. Before, I would never have applied, I wouldn't have thought I was good enough. Over the past year I have had so many people, events and opportunities that have lifted me up and taken my previous ego to a place of confidence. I've moved beyond the in your face "Im fucking awesome. Im a big girl and a big personality and you will love me." to being able to be myself and quietly exuding confidence and self worth. Well maybe not quietly volume wise lol.

In this moment I am so proud of myself and humbled by the life that has brought me here. I have survived and thrived for a reason, a damn good one I'm sure. The feeling I am having right now is nothing short of amazing. Applying for this job has lifted my spirit. Whether I get the job or not, I have accomplished something great in my life. I am thankful just to have had the opportunity to try.

Good things are coming for me, I feel it in the air.

Dickens and Dickheads

I think Dickens may have put the last little section of my life best “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” (And yes, I know Dickens!). Life has had more ups and downs lately then the elevators at the CN Tower. Just when I think life is falling apart it gives me something amazing to be thankful for.

So, lets just quickly go over the bullshit so we can move on to happier topics shall we? My brother has serious mental health issues and has gone off the deep end once again. (I wont get into details but lets just say it makes life both difficult and nerve wracking.) I was “scaled back” at work. My van was costing me more in gas then my rent. Meeting the Mans son did NOT go well at all. And honestly? I've just felt like crap over all. I don't deal with stress well (possibly the biggest understatement ever). Oh and then there was that whole “Rapture” deal that despite my ability to process logically still had me a little un-nerved.

Now, fuck all that. On to the good, the better, the best. There are a few of them.

1. My mother. My mother who makes me crazy, and has the ability to play my brain like a fiddle. There are times where I seriously could and probably should walk away, but there are other times, like this month, where she has been my saviour. Fixing up the van for me so I could afford to keep it. Its amazing what a good tune up will do! She may make me mental cuckoo often, but shes still my mum and takes good care of me.

2. The Monkey is TALKING! Ok so speech is still hard to understand, and I might be cursing myself for wanting her to talk but its awesome. After so long of listening to people talk about their kids talking early and making sentences and yadda yadda yadda I was honestly a little more then worried she wouldn't catch up. But theres a light at the end of the tunnel folks!

3. The Man. The unbelievable, amazing, sweet, kind, caring, adorable Man. For a month he's been keeping me sane and smiling. He's already seen so much of the insanity that is my life and is still here, voluntarily. There is so much beauty in him, it's a bit stunning. One of those genuinely good people in the world. Even the times he's made me crazy are good times. Just when I think “Ok, I need a break, some alone time”, the minute he leaves I get a bit lonely. It already feels so much longer then a month. In fact I cant actually believe it has only been a month that we've been together. Im hooked and Im ok with it.

Now my mother just called me and basically made me want to rip out my hair strand by strand however Im leaving her in the good things part and Im going to try and forget that, until tomorrow, when Im sure she'll do it again. SIGH – Parents. Hard to believe one day ill be that cause of hair pulling stress.

Who Mothers The Single Mothers?

I'm a single mom. This in itself doesn't bother me. I actually kind of like it. There's no one to answer to and I parent how I choose. It's completely within my control. Ok so I kind of love it actually, I hate answering to anyone lol.

It also means however that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I'm on. Its the Mommy show. Yes, my mother takes my daughter sometimes and I get out but reality is that Monkey is my responsibility and no one elses. Bringing me to todays question...

Who mothers the single mothers?

You always hear people talk about reminding Dads and Husbands to get a card and gift for the mother of their child, but when theres no other half and your kids are too young to understand or participate in whats going on, well, Mothers Day can be kind of depressing to be honest with you. It's just another day of doing what needs to be done. Making dinner, cleaning, attempting to shower and kissing boo boos.

I'm not complaining, really. I didnt become a mom so that once a year someone could make me dinner and buy me flowers, plus my mum is really good about making sure I get a little something from the baby. However I really can't wait until the day Monkey comes home with noodles and glitter glued on a heart shaped piece of construction paper. I will cherish those works of love and art as a true gift from the little person who made me a mother.

I Didn't Think I Could Ever Be This Happy

To most people those would totally be words to celebrate. No matter who said them, a friend, a loved one, or saying them yourself. I'm the crazy woman who feels like I had my heart ripped out and stomped on by those words.

10 years ago I met a wonderful man, we fell in love, we got married... Awwwwwwwwww. We had a happy life. 2 dogs, good families, great friends. Then we grew up, grew apart and the inevitable happened, we split up. 5 years together built a strong friendship, but our romantic relationship didn't make it.

We split without major incident. No kids, no property, still just young stupid kids ourselves. I moved out, moved away, started again. Slowly my ex and I were able to get back our friendship. Though obviously not the same as before we were still close. I trusted him completely. Still told him my secrets and fears and considered him one of my best friends.

So why the fuck am I rambling on about the past? I just met a wonderful new guy, I have a beautiful baby girl, I finally may have figured out what I want to do with my life and yet suddenly I feel heartbroken. I feel lost. I feel like I failed, not just at marriage but as a wife. The longest most meaningful relationship I ever had, with the only person I can really say I ever loved now doesn't think he "could ever be this happy".

I seem to remember some amazingly happy times. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL... We were happy. How did I fail so badly? How is it possible to be more happy then the day you got married? The day you feel in love? The day you got engaged?

Maybe the better question is why does this hurt so fucking bad?! We broke up 5 years ago, i've moved on, I hold no romantic feelings any more, but this one tiny little statement is hurting me almost as badly as the moment I realised we wernt going to make it. It ripped open an old wound and poured salt in it. "I didn't think I could ever be this happy". Didn't I make you happy?! What did I do? What didn't I do?! What could I have done?

One simple sentence has absolutely shattered me. Made me question everything about myself. Made me wonder if I'm capable of making someone happy enough to stick around. Made me wonder if I even know what happy is or if I've managed to fool myself all these years. I don't want to be the person someone settles for but is never happy with. I want the fairy tale ending, not the secondary back up character ending.

If I can't make the man who married me happy, how am I supposed to make anyone happy?