10 years ago I met a wonderful man, we fell in love, we got married... Awwwwwwwwww. We had a happy life. 2 dogs, good families, great friends. Then we grew up, grew apart and the inevitable happened, we split up. 5 years together built a strong friendship, but our romantic relationship didn't make it.
We split without major incident. No kids, no property, still just young stupid kids ourselves. I moved out, moved away, started again. Slowly my ex and I were able to get back our friendship. Though obviously not the same as before we were still close. I trusted him completely. Still told him my secrets and fears and considered him one of my best friends.
So why the fuck am I rambling on about the past? I just met a wonderful new guy, I have a beautiful baby girl, I finally may have figured out what I want to do with my life and yet suddenly I feel heartbroken. I feel lost. I feel like I failed, not just at marriage but as a wife. The longest most meaningful relationship I ever had, with the only person I can really say I ever loved now doesn't think he "could ever be this happy".
I seem to remember some amazingly happy times. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL... We were happy. How did I fail so badly? How is it possible to be more happy then the day you got married? The day you feel in love? The day you got engaged?
Maybe the better question is why does this hurt so fucking bad?! We broke up 5 years ago, i've moved on, I hold no romantic feelings any more, but this one tiny little statement is hurting me almost as badly as the moment I realised we wernt going to make it. It ripped open an old wound and poured salt in it. "I didn't think I could ever be this happy". Didn't I make you happy?! What did I do? What didn't I do?! What could I have done?
One simple sentence has absolutely shattered me. Made me question everything about myself. Made me wonder if I'm capable of making someone happy enough to stick around. Made me wonder if I even know what happy is or if I've managed to fool myself all these years. I don't want to be the person someone settles for but is never happy with. I want the fairy tale ending, not the secondary back up character ending.
If I can't make the man who married me happy, how am I supposed to make anyone happy?
People forget how happy they were. They live in the now. In 10 years he will be looking again saying he never thought he could be so happy. the next time a child is born it will be said. I don't think he is any happier now than he was before, he just had a few years of unhappyness and is forgetting that there was happyness before it.
ReplyDeleteExactly what Anonymous said above.
ReplyDeleteLet's try to put you back together.